Confessions of a Cros-Dawg Fan

Andy Samberg of the 2008 SNL digital short ‘Jizz in my Pants’, pictured twice.

Sidney Crosby. I like this purported Monster. Certain agitators (on this very blog, even!) have been taking the mick out of the Troy and Trina Crosby offspring.

It is fashionable to hate on Sid the Kid Grown man – millionaire! - living in a basement.

Here are the 5 usual lines of argument against Sid and why they are wrong. Then I give 5 reasons why I like him and 5 reasons why I don’t. These latter two lists are not like anything you have ever seen. ever. Yes, I chose 5 for each before thinking of the actual points. Five is a nice number. There have got to be at least that many for each, right??

[Posing questions before knowing the answers? Am I a writer for Lost?!]

The Usual Sid Bashing Arguments:

1. He is not the God he claims to be.

I do not know where the evidence for this comes from. He has never – officially - said anything even remotely self-appreciative or pompous (probably to the detriment of the league). He is basically the white Jerome Iginla in interviews.

2. Okay then, he is not the God the League claims him to be.

True. So? Look, if Jesus strapped on the skates he could not live up to the marketing and media focus placed on Crosby. The truth is that this argument is a Catch-22 for the poor 1993 Timbit Player: apparently the league needs to ‘focus on players’ in the marketing and media attention, so, Crosby either is compliant with this burden or is not. If he is compliant he appears full of himself (when he is actually going to fucking all star games for interviews rather than healing) or appears to - the greatest of all Canadian Sins – not care about the game that is his heritage. Crosby did not set the expectations or create the hype himself. We did. He plays hockey well and does what the league tells him. What more do we want, aside from the league telling him to do better things – but here, blame the league.

3. He takes cheapshots.

Moreso than other players, or does it just seem like more because he gets more media attention? Empirical question. Assuming he does take more cheapshots (in number and intensity) than most, then yes, he takes cheapshots. Alexander Semin should Donkey Kong Fight bash him in and he will learn. For as much as I do not buy that the refs are reluctant to give him penalties, I really don’t buy that players are unwilling to hit him. He probably does dive a bit, and for that, SHAME!

4. He has poor leadership ability.

Ah, probably untrue. He seems pretty smart. Certainly he can lead by example on the ice, and he can choose his words well in the locker room. Don’t forget, he was leading the Pens when they made the finals. He claims his favourite player is Steve Yzerman, and in years to come I think he will better emulate him. The Pens roster has had a load of turnover since Sid has been there. Consider: Lemieux, Palffy, Hossa, Armstrong, Malone, Conklin, Laraque, Ruutu, Sabourin, etc… It takes time to build chemistry. I wonder if Angelo Esposito will turn out to be good?

5. He runs his Mouth.

This makes me like him. Hockey, particularly when spectating, is meant to be fun. It is fun to watch in itself, and fun to keep track of both positive and negative consequences.  A lot of hockey is psychological [but that's a later post].

Why I like Him

1. He can cycle on even strength better than how Stamkos dreams about doing on a 5 on 3.

He is one of the top 5 most entertaining players to watch in the world.

2. Modest Canadian Playing Hockey for Millions of Dollars.

I wish that was me.

3. Saved the Penguins.

…and I like that team and where it is. I mean, Sudden Death wouldn’t make sense if they moved to Kansas City. Hell, he may have even saved other teams in the league. Imagine coming out of the lockout without the Xby [see what I did there?].

4. He is from Nova Scotia.

New Scotland! What a great province.

5. My little cousins like him and we talk about him.

Popularity is not necessarily a bad thing, you self loathing bastards.

6. BONUS! Crosby versus Ovechkin could only happen if Crosby existed.

And rivalries are super duper.

Why I dislike Crosby

1. Still living in Lemieux’s basement?

Literally a millionaire. Get a house, learn the ways of the world. See the glorious whitey suburbs of Pennsylvania. The ‘young apprentice’ mystique wore off long ago. Mario wants you gone, …but does the daughter want you to stay?

2. It does seem like he runs his mouth a bit.

Can’t say he doesn’t want to win though.

3. A bit too clean cut.

Some pics with booze, women, and smokes in the vein of Carey Price might help.

4. I wish he scored more goals.

That would be nice.

5. Too many injuries.

And they seem to recur. I fear his career will be cut short.