Stan Fischler Is an Idiot, II

Stan Fischler, ass-clown

Roughly a week has elapsed since our last look at the wisdom of Stan Fischler.  For any new readers or those of you who have miraculously managed to forget about our New York Ranger-loving friend Stan, just click the link in the previous sentence for a brief refresher.  Today, I’ll be looking at one of Stan’s more recent articles, where he laments New York’s Saturday loss to the powerhouse (read: 11th place in the East) Ottawa Senators, and fears the Rangers’ upcoming test against Western Conference super-power (read: 10th place) Minnesota.  Let’s get started (once again, Stan’s comments are in Bold font).

Jacques Lemaire has a history of trying to unnerve the Rangers and on Tuesday night he’ll have an opportunity to put another hurt on them at The Garden.

Yep, the head coach of the Wild will be at his worst on Tuesday.  Perhaps he’ll get behind the bench wearing only his tie and dress shoes.  Maybe he’ll shout racial epithets at New York’s resident Mexican, Scott Gomez.  YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT LENGTHS JACQUES LEMAIRE WILL GO TO!!!

Minnesota, emerging from a terrific triumph of its own on Sunday, will have erstwhile Ranger-killer Marian Gaborik — remember that five-goal game against New York in St. Paul’s last year? — back in the lineup

Remember that one time when that one player got five goals against us?  Well, even though he’s been out due to injury for roughly 17 years, he’s back and THIS TIME HE WANTS SIX GOALS!

Torts got enough of a headache from an astonishingly revived Senators sextet

At NO point in this article does Fischler reveal what Ottawa players comprise this sextet.  He DOES mention, in passing, the usual Heatley-Spezza-Alfredsson trie, and how they were held off of the scoresheet.  So, zero points from the team’s three superstars.. Who is the astonishingly revived sextet?  Or, Stan, were you simply saying “Senators sextet” to sound smart, because literary devices (ie: alliteration) are so essential to your successful survival?

The Big Three, but are they part of the Senators sextet?

For a time it appeared as if a double-dip win was in the cards after the Blueshirts had beaten Buffalo on Saturday.

That is, until the Senators sextet revived themselves, astonishingly.

Even better, Brandon Dubinsky broke a 24-game scoreless “schneid” to put New York ahead in the first with an adroit assist from Ryan (Never Quit) Callahan. At that point Auld appeared eminently beat-able.

Firstly, does Ryan Callahan REALLY need that nickname? Seriously? C’mon.  The best part about this is Auld’s alleged “eminent” beat-ability.  Any time a goalie gets beat on a goal set up by a great play (according to Fischler’s own words), does that mean the floodgates are really open?  At the rate New York began this game, I would’ve expected a 14-0 victory.

Ryan Callahan (in blue) not quitting during a recent game

[Avery] worked on a line with Scott Gomez and Nik Zherdev but the red lights lacked batteries for them on this night.

Oh noez! It’z all teh batteriez faultz!!

A last-minute Avery wraparound in the third period was foiled by Auld; not to mention an apparent open net shot from about five feet in front by Nik Antropov which was foiled by defenseman Chris Phillips’ skate.

Holy grammar issues Batman!  A comma or two somewhere during that second clause (you know, the incomplete sentence after the mis-used semi-colon) would be beneficial to any reader.  Maybe Fischler just talks really fast, nottomention heis alsothebiggestassclownintheleague.  And really, what is it an “open net” shot with a 6’3″ defenceman standing right there? (Yes, I spell ‘defenceman’ the Canadian way).

The Rangers power play went zilch-for-six and, brother did that ever hurt

If only the red light’s batteries had been charged!  This could’ve easily been two-for-six.

Tortorella must now go back to the drawing board if for no other reason than playoff-seekers such as Florida — and,yes, maybe even rarely-losing Ottawa — remain in the coach’s rear view mirror.

Succinctly put, “the coach has to go coach because other teams, led by other coaches, are trying to make the playoffs too.”  Insightful commentary like this cannot be found just anywhere and we’re privileged to read it.

… with yet another such challenge on the way it’s imperative that he fix the suddenly-ailing power play.

… And that he changes the batteries in those lights.

For the Rangers, the road to the post-season sometimes seems more like a tank trap with drill sergeant Tortorella desperately trying to steer his troops clear of danger.

Once again, Fischler hammers home this revelation that a coach’s duty is to lead his team, using a witty armed-forces metaphor (which counters any logical notion here).  Maybe his final statement will tie everything nicely together…

And with the ever dangerous Lemaire coming to town, the song for his coaching foe has to be that old standby, “Beware, brother, beware!”

… Nope.