Stan Fischler is an Idiot, III

It’s time again to venture a look at the idiocy that is Stan Fischler’s column.  Typically, Fischler muses exclusively on the New York Rangers.  In this week’s column, Fischler abandons his safe-zone and turns his poor writing and even poorer analytical skills to the New Jersey Devils.  As soon as I saw the article title, “Devils:  It takes a Genius to Figure This Team,” I knew this wouldn’t be an article suited for Stan to tackle.  As usual, Stan’s writing is in bold text, while my comments follow.  Let’s get going.

Without a doubt, the 2008-09 National Hockey League season has been the zaniest, most unpredictable and surreal of any that The Maven has experienced since the days of Aaron Broten, Doug Carpenter, and – yes – even Glenn (Chico) Resch.

Sweet name drops.

And that goes for the New Jersey Devils more than any of the other 29 teams.

Yep, the Devils are following a long pattern of inconsistency.  Having already clinched their division (one of the hallmarks of inconsistency), the Devils will continue their playoff appearance streak that began back in the 1996-97 season.  They’ve hit 104 points this year, and they haven’t had fewer than 95 points since the 1995-96 season.  So, yeah, I totally get Stan’s claim that it’s been a bumpy ride in Jersey.  (statistics from Wikipedia)

As Brent Sutter’s sextet prepares for the playoffs, it is absolutely, unequivocally IMPOSSIBLE to discern whether they’ll even emerge from the first playoff round or – as some suggested as recently as last month – march all the way to the Stanley Cup Finals.

It’s UNEQUIVOCALLY IMPOSSIBLE, Stanley?  Maggie the Monkey begs to differ.  Perhaps the most infuriating part of this passage is when he refers to the Devils as “Brent Sutter’s sextet.”  Sextet: any group of six people or things.  This occurred during our last encounter with Stan, where he referred to the Senators as a sextet.  I don’t get it.  If this actually is a hockey insider thing, please, I implore my readers or fellow blogmates to fill me in.

Off the top, I’ll say that there’s cause for both optimism and concern.

Good for you.  You can’t get this hard-hitting journalism elsewhere folks.

Who are they anyhow?

No one knows! LoLoLoLoL!  What six men are brave enough to become The Devils’ Sextet!?

In what is emerging as a wide-open race toward Lord Stanley’s mug, I can see positive elements in the scouting reports.

Ahh here we go! Promise of action, some real analysis and insight on the team! I mean, he has the scouting reports there… right?

1) GOALTENDING… 2) DEFENSE… 3) OFFENSE

I didn’t make this up.  These are the actual headline for the “positive elements” that he talks about.  Check the article yourself.  Hard work you put together there, Stanley.  Whatever.  Here’s some of the insight under each headline:

On goaltending: Having survived surgery and an energizing sabbatical, Martin Brodeur SHOULD BE as well-rested as he ever has been entering the post-season.

I wouldn’t exactly call a torn distal biceps tendon an “energizing sabbatical,” to to each his own, eh Stan?  I kinda hope you suffer the same injury, so we don’t have you read your garbage during the playoffs.

On the defence:  Johnny Oduya, Mike Mottau, Nic Havelid, Bryce Salvador, and Andy Greene all have sufficent experience if not star quality.

FIVE NAMES!  Including Brodeur, does this make up the sextet?  Claiming that Bryce Salvador and Andy Greene have “star quality” is just plain wrong.

On the offense:  Boasting a career year, Zach Parise has benefitted from similar seasons from linemates, Jamie Langenbrunner and Travis Zajac.  It IS an effective first-line.

Why capitalize “is” there?  I also enjoyed the comma-for-no-reason before Langenbrunner’s name.

It sure looks good, doesn’t it.  But as coach Sutter will be the first to admit, looks can be deceiving.

Not always.  I saw your picture, Stan, and I instantly identified an idiot.  Your articles have since corroborated with my theory.

After Brodeur broke Patrick Roy’s record for the most goaltending wins, Marty’s game began unravelling; raising concerns about, A: His ability and B:, The way the team was playing in front of him.  It’s impossible to discern how good – or bad – the future Hall of Famer will be when the tourney begins.  Don’t expect him to be a game-stealer.

I’ll ignore the misuse of a semi-colon and the clusterfuck of commas there and address the Brodeur issue.  Firstly, the dude was out for over half the season.  If Brodeur shows rust or has a similar rough stretch in mid-November, there’s no red flags going up.  Secondly, Brodeur is a proven winner in any format, stepping his game up accordingly.  Given the choice between Brodeur and Jose Theodore from the #2 seeded Capitals, I think the choice is obvious.

Crushing losses to New York, Pittsburgh and Toronto put a microscope on the defense.  Had they been playing over their heads for much of the season?  Were they tired?  Can they return to the form that enabled them to ascend through the Winter to the top of the division?

Heyyy, you have my interest here Stan.  These are all valid questions to be considered and you have me scratching my head trying to answer them as well.  I’m really hoping you can save this article with a well-reasoned and well-researched answer…

We’ll know soon enough.

Hahahhahahaahhahahahahahahhaahahahaha

In tough playoff hockey The Crash Line could be effective, but Holik and Rupp, in particular, MUST avoid the thoughtless penalties that plagued the Devils whose PKers simply failed to protect as they had in previous years.

God, this is so poorly written: commas exist where they shouldn’t and don’t show up where they should.  But, on to Stan’s claim about the PK.  True, the Devils are ranked an uncommonly low 20th in the league on the PK this season.  But wouldn’t you think that missing the greatest goaltender of all time for an extended chunk of the season has something to do with that?  I like the advice to “avoid thoughtless penalties” during the playoffs… I don’t think I’ve heard that one before…

This team challenges analysts…

Particularly those who don’t analyze

… but one of the most insightful who I’ve encountered is reader Doug Whiteman, a Devils season ticketholder.

Or, the first guy I talked to walking into the arena the other day… Lord knows I don’t put any effort into my research.

At this critical point in time, the Devils playoff future is indecipherable.

I think the Devils’ playoff picture could be the plot for the upcoming Dan Brown novel!  Surely Robert Langdon can figure this out!  Joking aside, an informed analyst shouldn’t be restricted from ANY sort of predictions.  As Jim Rome would say, “have a take, don’t suck.”  Romey doesn’t exactly cover hockey, so I’m passing the word along to you, Stan, on his behalf.  Give us a take on the team.  Give us a take on the defence.  Give us a take on WHO WILL COMPRISE THE SEXTET!

They could – if all the positive pieces fall into place – go deep.

… As is the case with every team who makes the playoffs.

And Marty, more than anybody, is the one who will govern his team’s playoff future.

Well, if it’s all on Governor Marty, why did you spend so much time and effort analyzing all of those other elements like “offense” and “defence”?

Bottom Line: Expect the unexpected because nobody knows what to expect from these guys.

No one.  Unequivocally.  I checked.