Following the New York Rangers’ 4-0 defeat at the hands of the Washington Capitals, much has been made about the benching of super-pest Sean Avery. The Rangers still hold a 3-2 series lead heading back to New York for Game Six, but head coach John Tortorella is in a foul mood following the loss and this altercation during yesterday’s game:
Fortunately, we here at Distinct Kicking Motion caught a conversation aboard the team plane following the loss in Washington. Let’s have a look:
Nik: Hey Coach.
Torts: Oh, you? What could you possibly want Nik? I’m trying to gameplan for Game Six.
Nik: Yeah Coach, I need you to speak about the decision making.
Torts: What the hell are you talking about?
Nik: You make the decision not to play The Avery. So we lose the game, and we need The Avery.
Torts: Sean Avery almost cost us Game Four, and has been detrimental to the overall team concept that we strive for.
Nik: You stride for team too often, Coach. The Avery does the agitation to the other team, and then we can become victors. I aim to have the Stanley Cup, so the other team needs agitation.
Torts: Son, I’m pretty sure it’s our collective goal as a franchise to win the Cup. I have the team’s best interests at heart, I assure you.
Nik: But I am tall enough and am a leader.
Torts: …
Nik: I am leader, and The Avery is what I need as a Ranger. In my Toronto times, Darcy Tucker was primetime agitator, always playing, and we win many of the Stanley Cups. Then, Leaf team trades Darcy Tucker away, and we cannot win the Cup again.
Torts: Nik, I can assure that the Leafs have not won a Stanley Cup since 1967.
Nik: Darcy Tucker trade was in 1968.
Torts: No, Nik. It wasn’t. You weren’t even born until well after that Stanley Cup.
Nik: Yes, but can we win it this year? I am here and so is The Avery. That is much force to face on a team.
Torts: Yes, Nik. We have a very strong team, but we have to take it one game at a time.
Nik: So, next game you bring back The Avery?
(*someone approaches)
Sean: Hey midget, I need to talk to Johnny here about benching the team’s biggest superstar, so beat it.
Nik: I am no midget, look at the height factor. And I am asking Coach already for you to return.
Sean: Haha, yeah, about that… I think I’d prefer someone who can actually speak the language to articulate my case, if you know what I mean. Johnny, you smell like beer. You drinking?
Torts: Yeah, it was thrown on me during the game. You didn’t see that?
Sean: If I’m not in the lineup, I’m not in the arena brother. I was doing a photoshoot for GQ Magazine.
Torts: YOU LEFT THE TEAM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PLAYOFFS TO DO A PHOTOSHOOT?
Sean: Yeah… What’s your point?
Torts: YOU JUST PROVED WHY I BENCHED YOU!! Seriously, you have NO concept of being a part of a team. You truly are an “individual” in the fullest sense.
Nik: We need the individual Coach. My friend Ovechkin is the individual name in Washington. We need to have The Avery to face him off.
Torts: You want Sean Avery to shadow Alexander Ovechkin?
Sean: Ummm, can’t I just go after Matt Bradley? Or, like, chirp someone for having cancer?
Nik: No. We need The Avery to get into the brain area of Ovechkin, or else we lose. We need hard hits and slashing on Ovechkin.
Sean: Yeah, I actually can do that Johnny. I’ll take some runs at Ovie and rattle his Russian ass.
Torts: Sean, you can’t skate anywhere near the guy. You won’t be able to catch him, let alone hit him.
Sean: I’ll “Kris Draper” his ass when he heads off for a change.
Nik: Yes, Kris Draper is a good and fast defender on his squadron.
Torts: No, Nik. Sean means that he’ll hit Ovechkin face-first into the boards, like Claude Lemieux did to Kris Draper a decade ago.
Nik: That makes The Avery look bad in the public area. We must keep him liked by all.
Sean: …
Torts: …
Nik: Will you be allowed back in magazines after hit?
Sean: Yes.
Nik: Okay Coach, we need The Avery to smash Ovechkin’s face into the boards. We will win game, and will lift Stanley cup after it all.
Torts: I’m honestly sick of all this. Fine, you’re back in the lineup next game Sean. At least the home crowd won’t try to murder you.
Sean: Wicked. Hey, thanks midget.
Nik: I am tall, and am after best interest of the team at all times. Let’s get cup crazy 2000.
Greetings once again puck fans Hope everyone has been Nik and Torts in the Big Apple Playoff Edition .
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