7:26 pm EST – Good evening hockey fans. Both The Bench Boss and Offensive Defenceman are here for tonight’s Game 4 action between the Carolina Hurricanes and the Pittsburgh Penguins. Obviously, we’re both hoping that Pittsburgh squashes these Hurricane idiots, or else this blog will get nasty very quickly. As any proud Canadian, we’ll be taking in the game on CBC (currently wrapping up another dynamite episode of This Hour Has 22 Minutes). Next post at the start of the broadcast. Click Keep Reading to follow along.
7:30 – The Bench Boss already mocking the process of live blogging and the horrible montage to begin the broadcast. What song is this? Sounds like a knock-off of the Hip.
7:32 – Ron MacLean informs us that the singer is “great Canadian” Dave Badini. I (Offensive Defenceman) have no intention of looking up the proper spelling of this guy.
Cowher crankin'
7:34- Ron Maclean elects to send it over to Don Cherry who is interviewing Bill Cowher, whom Don affectionately calls “Billy Boy”. Bill then proceeds to crank the shit of the Hurricane siren. Beast. (The following is a clip of Billy cranking the siren from last round’s Game 3 against the Bruins)
7:37 – The Hurricanes have a bombshell babe sing the national anthem. She’s roughly 6 years old. Wonder who she slept with to get this gig.
7:41 – Two whistles in the first minute. Nice little package on Geno Malkin though.
7:43 – Eric Staal scores on a wrap around on Fleury who can’t get his pad to the post. The goal sends the crowd into a frenzy and we get a look at one of the Carolina cheerleaders practicing her best reverse cow girl celebrations.
7:45 – Bob Cole comes out of nowhere to proclaim, “Pittsburgh must really be wondering, ‘what’s going on here. These guys are flying’.” The Bench Boss notices that Carolina has a 7-0 playoff record when Staal scores.
7:49 – Cole cracks us up twice in a minute. A sample: “Bylsma leaves the top line out there. ‘This has gone on long enough,’ he’s thinking.” It’s 4 minutes into the game. As you can see, we’ll be giving a lot of Bob Cole updates over the night, as he MAKES these broadcasts.
7:54 – Both of us enjoy seeing the Seth Rogan lookalike behind Paul Maurice on the Canes bench.
7:56 – Ruslan Fedotenko ties it up at 1 on a shot-pass from Boucher. The Pittsburgh grinders get another goal and have clearly outplayed the Canes in terms of secondary scoring.
7:58 – Geno takes a silly holding-the-stick penalty. Fleury makes a couple nice saves on a goal-mouth scramble.
8:01 – The Bench Boss’ younger brother returned home from a triumphant junior league baseball victory, sarcastically proclaiming, “Fuck, that was tough.” Upon being informed of our live blogging, he adds, “fucking queers.” He’s 14.
8:04- 5 minutes to go and the pace is frantic. Detroit must be watching this and saying to themselves “these are two terrible teams” as there is a defensive error every second.
8:08 – A nice replay of Jordan Staal lowering the boom on Scott Walker. Walker’s head was clearly not in the game, instead probably focused on his wife’s cervix.
8:10 – Max Talbot flutters one past Ward SOMEHOW, who waves at it. As we reacted with incredulity, Bob Cole carried on as if it was a normal occurence. 2-1 Pens. Hopefully this is a sign of things to come.
8:13 – After a seemingly innocent goal-mouth altercation, Malkin goes balls-crazy on Brind’Amour and Walker. Another penalty for Geno.
8:15- The first period is in the books. Time for a little Coach’s Corner, let’s see what good old Grapes has in store for us tonight.
8:20 – Ron MacLean informs us of the passing of former Leaf Peter Zezel. It’s a sad day in hockey. And we mean it this time, unlike that time when some guy named “Alf” from the Rangers died.
8:22 – Don Cherry shows a home run by Canadian-born slugger Justin Morneau, proclaiming him baseball’s MVP and dedicating the home run to a man simply known as “George.” Following that is a little tribute to the Windsor Spitfires fans, including a close-up of a die-hard fan known as “The Gnome” to all Windsorites, as well as former captain Mickey Renaud – to whom the Spits dedicated this season to.
8:33 – Second period underway. Mrs. Walker won’t be having many more of those.
8:36 – During a Pittsburgh powerplay, we get sidetracked by looking at girls on Facebook. The Bench Boss’ younger brother chimes in again saying, “I’d rather look at hockey than tits.” There’s some good action each way, as Eric Staal almost scores on a semi-breakaway and a Gonchar point shot nearly finds the back of the net behind Ward.
8:41 – The action is pretty non-stop, until a Carolina icing call comes up, which Bob Cole attributes to “frustration.”
8:43- Jordan Staal is looking like Shaquille O’Neal on skates, just forcing his way to the Carolina net. CAN YOU DIG IT? CAN YOU DIG IT!!?
8:47 – After a stupid penalty against the Canes, LaRose gets a good shorthanded chance and draws a penalty. Some 4 on 4 action now, resembling Dakota Fanning’s orgies.
8:50 CBC comes back from commercial showing Sidney Crosby’s dad Mario chatting it up with Tie Domi. Did you know that Tie Domi is an anagram for “me idiot”? Makes sense.
8:53 – Father Mario must’ve inspired Sid, as The Kid makes a perfect feed on a 2 on 1 with Bill Guerin. Guerin finishes, with Ward having no chance on this one. 3-1 Pens.
8:57: You have got to wonder what the Boston Bruins are thinking when watching this Carolina team play. Probably something like “how the fuck did we ever lose to this team?”
9:02- The Hurricanes offense is looking as inept as ever, struggling to generate much of anything in terms of scoring chances. As has been pretty evident all series, the Canes are extremely limited offensively and have made it this far because of hard work and grit. Like often is the case, hard work can only get you so far until talent takes over.
9:07 – Second period wraps up without much action either way down the stretch. 3-1 Pittsburgh heading into the break. If there was ever a good time to google “Dakota Fanning nude pics,” it’s now.
9:13 – After Max Talbot made it through an interview reasonably well, PJ Stock has appeared to ruin the intermission. Despite his experience and “stories” about the players involved in tonight’s game, Stock really adds nothing to the telecast. We were hoping that CBC would bring back Cassie Campbell, but she’s apparently been let go after she stopped putting out for Bob Cole. Here’s a picture of them during happier times.
Bob and his long-time mistress, Cassie
9:22- The Bench Boss popped a bone at the thought of a Cole and Cambell sex scene, and it only grew larger at the idea of only having to see the Hurricanes in the playoffs for 20 more minutes.
9:27- A minute into the 3rd and Carolina is showing some nice early jump. Maybe they can make this a game.
9:31 – Sustained Carolina pressure has led to numerous chances, and a Canes powerplay. The game could get very interesting very soon.
9:33- Greg Millen said it earlier and the Bench Boss agrees. Marc Andre Fleury is looking more and more like a member of Team Canada for the 2010 Olympics. “NOT AHEAD OF MARTY BRODEUR” says Offensive Defenceman, who thinks The Great One will be backing up Luongo in Vancouver ’10.
9:38 – Fleury jabs Scott Walker in the nuts with his stick. The Bench Boss notes that the stick makes contact where Walker’s wife’s cervix would be.
9:43 – Ten minutes to go in the Canes season. The Penguins are closing the door. We’re anticipating some kind words from Mr. Cole towards Sid during the trophy presentation. Joe Corvo takes a penalty as the game goes into a commercial break.
9:45- We are advised to tune into some post game coverage on cbc.ca with PJ Stock and a host of other tools. We’re pretty sure you could count how many people will be tuning into that on one hand.
9:48- Chad LaRose gets a careless penalty sending the Canes down two men. This baby is pretty much done.
9:50- Greg Millen informs us that the Staal brothers have a cottage. Thanks for the heads up Greggy boy.
9:52- Down by 2 goals with five minutes left in the game Bob Cole unleashes an important piece of advice for the Canes. He tells them that they “need to get going” something they surely didn’t realize.
9:55 – Icing on Pittsburgh, with 3 minutes to go. Classic Journey song, “Don’t Stop Believin’” is played. Let us be the first to tell you all in Carolina. It’s over.
9:57 – 2 minutes left. Carolina has pulled the goalie.
9:58 – Empty net goal for Craig Adams with a minute to go. With a minute left, we expect Bob Cole to deliver countless generalizations. We’ll post ‘em as we hear ‘em.
9:58 – Snippets from Robert Cole: “We are in the final minute of the final period of the final game of this Eastern Conference Final” … “The crowd is standing, like you knew they would… and they are applauding their team. They came a long way, but couldn’t quite make it against this fine team from Pittsburgh” … “They will now salute their team.. and perhaps Pittsburgh too, I’m sure.”
The great Robert Cole
10:01 – The game is over, and the handshake line is progressing. The Staal brothers didn’t hug, which is sad. Greg Millen claims it must be awkward, which we doubt. Geno Malkin looks like he’s ready to get crazy tonight.
10:03 – “There’s Mario. Natalie, his wife. The happy Lemieux’s.. celebrating. ” Greg Millen is absolutely dumbfounded that Crosby would dare to touch the Prince of Wales trophy.
10:04 – Cole announces, “so, the game tomorrow will mean a lot… to Pittsburgh.” Yep, it doesn’t matter a whole lot to Chicago or Detroit.
10:07 – Sidney gives an emotionless interview with Elliot “The Score” Friedman, throwing out cliche after cliche. He’s obviously downgraded individual awards.
10:08 – Cole thanks Sid for “another great series,” which Ron MacLean mocks as the broadcast is turned back to him, saying, “and thank you Bob, for another great series.” Great personal touch.
10:10 – Alright, that’s it for us here tonight. Hope you enjoyed the game, our analysis, and sometimes dark humour. Good night now.
