In another DKM exclusive report, we were able to sit down with one of Canada’s most polarizing sports figures, Pierre McGuire. While many look forward to Pierre’s energetic and frenetic broadcasts, there is a contingent of haters out there. I’m hoping that these negative opinions of Pierre are not rigidly set, and may change after getting to know Pierre on a different, non-hockey level. That’s true, hockey doesn’t permeate every aspect of his life; the man loves to bone his wife, Melanie.
A rare photo where both Pierre and Melanie appear fully clothed
Now, while I did mention above that the game of hockey doesn’t necessarily end up in his bedroom, the familiar McGuirean intensity sure as hell does. I sat down to interview Pierre last Friday night after he completed a particularly hardcore boning session. A true professional, McGuire came across with energetic answers. Here’s the interview:
Offensive Defenceman: Thanks for joining me Pierre. You must be wiped after that.
Pierre McGuire: Undoubtedly, but you can’t sleep when you’re Pierre McGuire. Do you understand the pressure of having to know everything there is to know about the NHL game, while preparing a mini-biography on every single player who competes in the World Junior Hockey Championship? That’s no small feat, and luckily I’m no small man.
OD: Well, from the sounds your wife was making earlier, I’m going to guess she has to agree with you there, eh Pierre?
PM: AND THAT’S WHY I’M A MONSTER!!!! YOU BETTER BELIE– wait… How do you know about the sounds she was making earlier?
OD: Well, I was a half hour early for my interview, like I am for most interviews. I let myself in, and I was downstairs for a good 20 minutes while you guys were fuckslammin’.
PM: Oh.
OD: It’s quite alright Pierre. Although it did sound at times like you were doing commentary in a game. Want to talk about some of the things you said there?
PM: Well, it all starts with the foreplay. I establish my big-body presence right in front of her vagina. She probably tries to push me away a good 80% of the time, but I do my best Tomas Holmstrom impression, and just take the whacks. Eventually, I get rewarded for my persistence and ‘put one in.’
OD: Wow Pierre, that almost reminds me of rape.
PM: Oh not at all, don’t be quick to judge. Back when I first started plowing her, I’d really get into it. It wasn’t uncommon for me to commentate for myself, sometimes even giving a little background information like I do when introducing new junior players to the world. In fact, the first time we did it after our marriage, I distinctly remember shouting “Rex and Sally McGuire, be proud! We’re seeing the evolution of this young man in front of our eyes today. A boy becoming a man! Melanie McGuire, GET EXCITED! You’ll have access to this dick for the foreseeable future!”
OD: Pierre, I think I heard those lines tonight when I walked in…
PM: And what do you think makes me such a demon in the sack, such a MONSTER? I’ll tell you what, it’s doing the work down low, getting in the right position, sticking to the game plan. But probably most important, you need to have an active stick. Active sticks break up passing zones, and make vaginas drip. It’s a win-win baby!.
OD: Wow Pierre, I hope you don’t mind that I’m taking these notes down, it seems like a fine strategy you employ there.
PM: This conversation is great with me. I never tire from talking about hockey. I have so much energy, I might have to head back up to the bedroom for seconds though. A DOUBLE DION!!!!!
OD: Well Pierre, don’t let me hold you up on account of this interview. Go take care of what you need to do.
PM: Sounds good to me. I’m not even going to warn Mel this time.. I’m going to pull out early and finish ROOF DADDY!!!
Pierre McGuire truly is a Monster!
Pierre indicating that he's finishing upstairs, or "Roof Daddy"
