The Pittsburgh Penguins are off to a 12-3-0 start, and are ripping through the NHL’s Eastern Conference. This comes despite a slow start for captain Sidney Crosby (by his elite standards) and an injury to superstar centre Evgeni Malkin. What’s keeping the Pens so loose and on top of their game? I believe we’ve found the answer here at DKM, and it’s their remarkable team chemistry. This team of young guns is growing up together. We got a recent look at their interactions after a recent team practice.
Sidney Crosby: Whew, good job so far boys. If we keep working hard and improving every day, we’ll be drinking from that cup again in no time.
(Sid gets bowled over by a large shape)
Jordan Staal: WOOOO who said we’re drinkin’ boys?! We gettin’ fuuuucked up tonight!! (helps Sid back to feet) Sorry ’bout that bro. But the thought of getting wasted and fuckin’ fat bitches gets me way too jacked.
Crosby: It’s okay Jordan. Just try to be more careful next time okay? And I don’t think I can go out tonight anyways…
Staal: You fuckin’ pussy! Why the fuck not bro?
Crosby: Well… Mario and Natalie are going to dinner tonight and they want me to stay home and watch the kids. Plus, Coach says I need to lead by example and step my game up.
Staal: (waits 3 seconds).. bahhhhhhhhahahahahaha Good one Sid! Fuck that shit! Party at Mario’s house tonight boys!! I’ll bring some tall boys, Geno can bring the vodka, Flower can bring his little pussy martini mix shit.
(door opens slowly)
Marc-Andre Fleury: Eh you guys, leave me hout of your arguments, hokay? I just like dem drinks.
Crosby: Oh, we’re sorry Marc-Andre. Sincerely. I don’t think Staalsy meant to offend you, right Jordan?
Staal: Fuckin’ right I did! Everything about you screams pussy, Flower. Your looks, your nickname, and your favourite drinks. I gotta make you a man! Come here, lemme shove your goalstick up your ass (chases Fleury around room. Fleury escapes down the hall)
Crosby: Now Jordan, we can’t be acting like that! Let’s try to be mature here and leave Marc-Andre alone. We need him to play well. It takes a total team effort night in and night out, working hard, giving 110%, and it all begins in net.
Staal: (giving up on chase) Fuck.. you.. Sid. Seriously, I just wanted to have a little fun with Flower. And there you go again getting all captainish on me. Have some sac dude.
(door flies open, as another large shape shoulder-barges through)
Evgeni Malkin: Oh, hey guys.
Staal: GENO!!! The fuck is up buddy!? Party at Sid’s tonight!!
Geno: Don’t bullshit me.
Crosby: He is lying Geno. I’m babysitting for Mario and Natalie, so no parties anymore. I got grounded for you guys doing that last week, so I’m not dealing with that again.
Staal: Pussy.
Crosby: Hey, Geno. Why did you shoulder-barge through that door? Shouldn’t you be watching that injury?
Geno: I watch the injury night in and night out! It’s better than most, so I test it against doorframe, and shoulder wins. I try finding two doors next time, and I kill them both.
Staal: That’s what the fuck I’m talkin’ about! Let’s go get fucked Geno.
Crosby: Now Geno, you could seriously re-injure yourself doing that. Don’t be reckless. We need everyone giving 110% in order to be successful. How do you expect to repe–
Staal: We need to get 110% fucked up tonight, I can tell you that much.
Geno: I like the party style of Jordan. Let’s get the vodka to flow.
Crosby: Geno, make sure you’re thinking out your decisions.
Geno: I have that done. Drink with Jordan. Get the sex with ladies. Come back to the game from shoulder pain and “rock the shit,” as Jordan says.
Staal: That’s by boy Geno! Let’s go get that bitch Flower so we have an innocent-looking French pussy to lure in the sluts (fist pounds Geno). See you at Mario’s Sid!
Crosby: Guys! No!! Please don’t do that again!! (Geno and Staal walk out, leaving Sid alone) Darn. I’m going to be in such trouble again. But at least I talked to a girl last time. Maybe I’ll get a number tonight!
Staal: (from a distance) I fucking heard that buddy!! THAT is the fucking attitude! Let’s get fuckked!
