We here at Distinct Kicking Motion were able to obtain exclusive recordings from a phone conversation that took place earlier today between Russian superstars Alexander Ovechkin and Evgeni Malkin. Both have recently returned from injuries, and have already impacted their teams in the short time they’ve been back. Let’s have a look.
(phone ringing in hotel room…)
Evgeni: Yes. Hello?
Ovechkin: Evgeni! How are things going in the Pittsburgh?
Evgeni: Too good that one cannot be true. Who is this on the other end?
Ovechkin: It’s Alex, man.
Evgeni: Semin? I thought we no talk from scuffle against Sidney last time around. You hurt my captain with words of anger.
Ovechkin: haha No Evgeni. Not Semin. It’s me, baby, Alexander the Great! OvechKING.
Evgeni: Oh! My oldest comrade. We drinking at last All-Star game and licking the girls after. I have still gotten boner each time seeing the picture.
Ovechkin: Yeah, there you go. So, Evgeni, how’s the injury coming along? I saw you had a nice night in your first game back. Three assists, or something right?
Evgeni: I dump the puck off before a score goes in. Not big deal. Look at the height of me, so I can do things on ice and on skates.
Ovechkin: Well done, yeah. I came back and scored a goal right away, so that’s good.
Evgeni: The squad of mine can handle you. More height, more drinking, and more of the girls. You don’t meet friend Jordan yet?
Ovechkin: Staal? Well, no. I play against you guys but we’re not teammates or anything. So, no, I haven’t met your friend Jordan. I’ve chilled with Michael Jordan, and LeBron though.
Evgeni: Who these names are, I haven’t met. Hockey skaters too?
Ovechkin: They’re two of the most famous basketball players in the world, Evgeni.
(silence on other end..)
You know basketball, right Geno? Where they shoot the ball into the hoop?
(continued silence…)
Really, Evgeni? You don’t know what basketball is? The sport that’s played basically the same time as our hockey season? Slam dunks? Three-pointers?
Evgeni: I had just got 3 points, first game after hurting!
Ovechkin: Are you fucking kidding me?
Evgeni: What is up? You have a kid? Name boy Evgeni!
Ovechkin: Seriously, have you even TRIED to learn anything about North America?
Evgeni: America home of the freedom. But name son Evgeni Ovechkin, and I am grand-uncle. I am a grand-uncle, and serious for this.
Ovechkin: You don’t know basketball. And you still don’t have a basic understanding of rudimentary English! How can you live with yourself? How can you live, period?
Evgeni: I live as I go, with Jordan and licking the girls.
Ovechkin: Seriously, we were drafted in 2004! FIVE years ago! And you still can’t put together a basic sentence in the fucking language you’re surrounded by each and every day!
Evgeni: I keep that photogram each day too. Draft time for us. I see us young, and I go, ‘look at my tallness over Alex.’
Ovechkin: After one year here, I was able to do interviews without an interpreter! I can now communicate, express my ideas fully, and give competent and witty interviews. I can do advertising campaigns. Do you know how much more money I’m supplemented with each year?
Evgeni: The contract is the money, so keep the contract.
Ovechkin: You’re just another idiot with supreme talent. You possess the Russian trait of laziness, in that you won’t even bother to TRY adopting to a new culture. Look at Pavel Datsyuk. He’s been here even longer than you and his interviews are a combination of trainwreck and comedy. Do you really want to be like THAT?
Evgeni: Me and Pavel licked the girls in Stanley Cup championship last two times. Both Pittsburgh and Detroit give such pussy, it was winning all the time.
Ovechkin: I can’t believe you’re competent enough to have played in two Cup Finals already, completely oblivious to the world around you. It really is unbelievable.
Evgeni: Get traded to my Penguin team. Use family tie-in – I am grand-uncle right? So you come here, and winning time happens again with me, you, and Jordan.
Ovechkin: You forgot Sidney.
Evgeni: Captain-bitch not tall, and has no penis existing.
Ovechkin: What??
Evgeni: I explain at baptism. I am called now to go play.
Ovechkin: What baptism?
Evgeni: You have son there, and it is baptism time. I am out like shopping cart. Pakah!
Ovechkin: Retard. See you at the Olympics.
