Hayley Wickenheiser Molests Dane Phaneuf

Team Canada’s women’s hockey team recently played a group of 15-year old boys in an effort to tune up for the upcoming Olympic competition.  The game will be best remembered for an incident involving Canadian captain Hayley Wickenheiser (above), who was rubbed out along the boards by 15-year old Dane Phaneuf, the younger brother of Calgary Flames defenceman Dion.  Before we get into the gritty and perverse details of the story, here’s a video of the clip courtesy of TSN:

Wickenheiser’s reaction shouldn’t be too surprising, and she explains that the heat of the moment may have gotten the better of her.  “Well I was just getting very frustrated by that point in the game.  They were controlling the action, outplaying us.  So I had to try to give the girls a spark, just like that time when we pretended that the American team was standing on our flag in their locker room.”  Asked for further elaboration, Wickenheiser only shook her head and muttered that it was depressing to get bullied around by children.  “Bullying just isn’t acceptable at any age, so I stood up for myself.”

The child, Dane Phaneuf

Dane, on the other hand, had mixed feelings about the incident.  The 15-year old said it was the first time that he has been “touched” by a girl, and noted that he felt strangely about it.  The younger Phaneuf stated, “On one hand, my brain was, like, oh my there’s this MILF touching me!  Then, I realized that it wasn’t really a MILF;  it was Hayley Wickenheiser.  Total turn-off.  If it was Meghan Agosta or one of the other young ones, I would’ve had a total chub.”

Phaneuf also provided further insight into the incident, explaining that “she was breathing heavy, and while it looked like a choke hold on the tape, that’s not at all she was doing.  I could tell she was trying to grab my breasts, and she was inviting me to go ‘scissor’ with her later.  I didn’t know the Canadian team had Arts and Crafts time like we do in my Art class.  I have a 72, so maybe she can help me out.”  Dane was left feeling rather embarrassed by the whole situation, noting that he wishes he could forget about it and still get his hot chocolate after the game and stay up past his bedtime of 9:30 in order to watch the ending of a Flames’ game.

Hearing about the implication of scissoring, older brother Dion wasn’t all that surprised.  “Yeah, nothin’ surprising there.  A dyke wants to scissor.”  Dion said later on that he was disappointed in the quality of the hit.  “I’ve built a family reputation for some nasty, open-ice blasts.  It’s too bad Dane didn’t catch one of those lesbos with their head down at the blue-line.  I’d love to double-Dion any of those broads, but mainly Hayley and Cassie Campbell, just so fans wouldn’t have to hear her voice on Hockey Night in Canada anymore.  Fuck.”  When Dion was informed that Campbell was married and that Wickenheiser has had a long-term boyfriend, he just laughed and walked away.

Big brother Dion wants the Phaneuf reputation upheld

Team Canada claims that it will still play against squads made up of 15-year old boys, regardless of the obvious injury risks of going up against bigger and faster players.  “Despite the incident, we’ll still keep playing against these squads,” insisted national team coach Melody Davidson.  “Teams like this have so much more talent than the other national teams, including the Americans.”  Asked if she would expand the competition to include 16-year old boys, Davidson quickly backed off. “Oh goodness no.  We already lose half the time against 15 year olds, and we don’t even let them hit us.  Sixteen-year olds would skate circles around these girls.  I want to keep their confidence up while preparing.”