Season 9 of the hit TV show American Idol kicked off this week
As American Idol kicked off a new season this week, it appears that Calgary Flames defenceman Dion Phaneuf is preparing for auditions. Amongst his other favourite off-ice activities, such as hanging out in the back room of strip clubs (photo evidence of that later this post), Dion is known for having one of the smoothest singing voices in the NHL. Following the jump is video evidence of Dion’s latest practice session at a local Calgary bar named Aussie Rules, where he belts out Billy Joel’s “Piano Man” with more control and harmony than the original singer himself.
While the whole production is absolute gold, Dion stays classy with his “Merry Fuckin’ Christmas” sign-off, similar to Chase Utley’s “World Fuckin’ Champions” declaration following the Philadelphia Phillies’ World Series victory in 2008.
Flames’ captain Jarome Iginla is supportive of Dion’s passion for singing, and hopes his teammate has a good run on Idol this season. “Dion’s been committed to practicing on this everyday, and it’s showing in his improvement,” Iggy remarked. “It’s come at the sacrifice of practicing, you know, hockey, but this is a passion for the kid. My parents always said, ‘do what you love, Jarome.’ It would be hypocritical of me not to be supportive for Dion in the same way.”
Phaneuf’s play has been noticeably weaker this season than in year’s past. After averaging over 50 points in his first four seasons in the NHL, Dion is on pace to finish this year with less than 40. He’s also on pace to finish with a career-low in penalty minutes, going against his reputation as a nasty blueliner who’s not afraid of the rough stuff. Phaneuf admits that his extra-curricular activities may be impacting his play. “Yeah, I sing a lot. I go to bars. So the fuck what?” Phaneuf said. “Last night I played a set at the ‘rippers (strip club), then went and got fucked up with the broads backstage. Did I have my best practice today? No. Was I there on time? Close enough.” Here’s the picture of Dion backstage with the strippers:
Dion Phaneuf stays in game shape by smoking, drinking, and spending late nights at strip joints
Teammate Craig Conroy was called by the club at 3:30 AM, after Dion informed the managers that Craig was his favourite choice for a ride home. Conroy, a consummate family-man and all-around jolly guy received directions to the club, picked up his teammate, and got him to practice the next morning. “Dion wasn’t in the best shape following his carousal at that unsavory and lecherous establishment,” Conroy admitted. “But me and my wife procured some Gatorade and vegetable soup for Dion, to get some nutrients back in his body… He threw up all over my youngest daughter, unfortunately.” Ever the gentleman, Conroy was able to clean up his daughter and Phaneuf before heading off to Flames’ practice, ensuring that Dion would be there on time.
Craig Conroy is so appreciative of his fans, he signs autographs going full-speed on the highway
Although Phaneuf arrived for practice on time, courtesy of Conroy, his haggard appearance and performance on the ice was hard to miss. Many teammates were disappointed in Phaneuf, a player looked at to be a leader on this team. “Yeah, it’s frustrating at times,” winger Curtis Glencross said. “The guy’s making 10 times more money than I am, and he’s pulling stunts like this while performing at a level far below his – and this team’s – standard.” Goaltender Miikka Kiprusoff added that, “it’s better when Dion plays good because he is the defenceman while I play in the goal.”
Not all players were critical, however, and just jabbed at Dion light-heartedly. Fellow defenceman Robyn Regehr, known for his rugged and hard-nosed style around the league, told reporters: “Yeah, Dion smelled like puss. Not the good kind, either. I’m talkin’ lower-end stripper puss. You get to become an expert at those smells being a hockey player this long.” Regehr stated that he wouldn’t go too hard on Dion for this incident, because “he usually comes in smellin’ like his broad’s vag. Goddamn that Elisha Cuthbert puss is some good-smellin’ puss. Jay (Bouwmeester, a fellow Flames’ defenceman) comes in smellin’ like the lower-end kind pretty much daily. Dion is only once every now and then. I’ll take sittin’ next to Dion any day.” Centre Daymond Langkow, an NHL veteran, was fine with Dion’s actions but questioned his decision-making. “Yeah, you’re an NHL player,” Langkow said. “You’re going to be slammin’ some filthy broads that you probably shouldn’t be. But we got long road trips, you know. Still, if I had what he had goin’ on on the side, I’d be bringin’ that shit on road trips.” One can only assume that by “that shit,” Langkow is actually referring to Phaneuf’s long-time girlfriend, Elisha Cuthbert.
Dion Phaneuf's girlfriend, and Sean Avery's ex, Elisha Cuthbert
After reviewing the photographic evidence, we too are confused why Phaneuf opts for the seedy strip joint over Elisha as well. Cuthbert’s ex, New York Ranger Sean Avery, did have a few disparaging remarks towards Phaneuf’s attempt to become the next American Idol. It is alleged that Avery actually auditioned for American Idol in season 8, although that footage never aired. Regardless, Avery had this to say: “I’m really happy that American Idol is back. I love American Idol and I just wanted to comment on how it’s become a common thing for guys in the NHL to fall in love with my sloppy seconds, I don’t know what that’s about.” Avery also boasted that he’s already “tapped every stripper” in the Calgary area, so any action Phaneuf gets from those establishments are, at best, Avery’s sloppy seconds.
Somewhat related to this story, it appears that Phaneuf is not the only NHL player considering making an American Idol run this season. San Jose Sharks’ sniper Dany Heatley has apparently been brushing up on a rendition of Nelly’s “Ride wit Me” to wow the judges. If they ask for something a little slower and more traditional, his backup choice is Pearl Jam’s cover rendition of “Last Kiss,” a song based on “an incident in which several teens were killed and two seriously injured” in a car crash (Wikipedia). Heater commented that the song choices are appropriate because “I always offer rides to people as a joke nowadays, knowing no one will step foot in a vehicle I’m driving.” Laughing, Heatley added, “Last time didn’t turn out too good!”
What remained of Dany Heatley's Ferrari after an accident that killed then-teammate Dan Snyder
We’ll keep you posted if Heatley gets through the first-round of judges on Idol, or if he crashes and burns in front of Simon and the panel.
