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NHL commissioner Gary Bettman

NHL commissioner Gary Bettman has proposed a new business plan solution for the cash-strapped Phoenix Coyotes: a severe natural disaster causing graphic images of death and chaos in order to prompt a steady flow of donations from the outside world.  “It’s genius,” Bettman stated at a news conference yesterday.  “Have you seen how much money Haiti’s received, just out of pity?  It’s not like that money is going towards replacing nice homes or furniture or anything like that… No, they had straw huts and bamboo chairs.  Imagine the money that would be donated to restore an NHL arena, apartments, hotels, and real homes made of brick and concrete.” Bettman later added that “the cash influx would be off the fucking charts.”

Bettman praying for a natural disaster in Phoenix

Bettman traces the origin of this idea back to Hurricane Katrina in 2005, which slammed into New Orleans causing much devastation.  In the aftermath, aid workers and monetary relief quickly came in from all corners of the United States and various other parts of the world to help restore New Orleans.  Videos and images of the flooding were all shown throughout all forms of media for weeks, which Bettman says is critical to garner sympathy.  “Oh you definitely have to go viral these days if you want any sort of publicity,” Bettman conceded.  “You need to have camera crews at the ready, and then maybe even get a hold of some raw footage of the inhabitants on the ground as they fight their way to survival.  This was a really effective strategy for 9/11 too.”

Bettman grew bored of dull images of flooding

However, Bettman was critical of the leaders in New Orleans in the aftermath of Katrina, saying that “they could’ve squeezed out so much more money if it was managed properly.  I mean, really, there’s still parts of New Orleans that haven’t fully recovered yet?  People are still without homes?  If I’d been running the show, the whole town would be fucking millionaires.  Sympathy sells.”  Bettman criticized New Orleans’ approach of trying to show resilience in the face of tragedy, as the city rallied around anything they could to show unity.  Of course, many believe a symbol of unity in the city is the New Orleans Saints football franchise, which competes in its first Super Bowl this week, a mere four years after the disaster.  This gives Bettman hope: “Imagine Phoenix actually playing in the Stanley Cup in 2013, the feel-good story of the NHL after half of Arizona got wiped out by a meteor or earthquake or something.  My God, the media attention we could get.”

Bettman was very vocal and candid talking about his appetite for destruction

Still, Bettman maintains that this resilience hurt the people of New Orleans where it hurt most: their pocketbooks.  “Seriously, you probably thought about giving some money over to the Red Cross or some charity there, right?  But then as soon as you saw these people fighting to come together, showing their spirit had not been crushed, you lost the urge to donate, didn’t you?  Of course you did, the pity factor no longer came into play!  I bet they’re kicking themselves now, after seeing the money roll in for these Haitians who have perfected the art of being completely and utterly helpless with regards to self-sustainability.”

Bettman commended this young man, saying, "This kid has the right idea! He'll be a millionaire!"

Bettman, of course, is referring to the recent earthquake disaster in Haiti, causing a still-uncertain number of deaths and altering the lives of inhabitants – the ones that survived, at least – forever.  Throughout the course of the conference, Bettman constantly referred to the Haiti disaster as a “perfect storm.”  “There are several components that go into the creation of a perfect storm for money-making,” Bettman elaborated.  “First, there’s death and chaos.  You need tragedy.  Second, you need images and media coverage.  With today’s high-definition cameras, television, and the internet, there was so many crystal clear images of death I could practically smell the rotting corpses.  Finally, you need pity.  New Orleans really dropped the ball on this aspect, whereas we have these Haitians running around screaming – in high-def! – about how they’ve lost everything.. about how they don’t know what’s happened of their 12 siblings.. about what’s happened to their entire village.  It’s great!  Anyone sitting at home in their comfortable recliner or behind the desk at their office job watching this almost HAS to feel bad about the whole thing.  This was really well-handled by the survivors in the Haitian government.  My hat’s off to them.”

Bettman is captivated by the colourful images from Haiti

With respect to the beleaguered NHL franchise in Phoenix, Bettman believes the team needs a shot in the arm financially, and a chance to build a passionate and devoted fan-base.  “Basically, I’d just combine the two successful elements from New Orleans and Haiti.  I’d be able to market the Coyotes as a team to root for, you know, a real pillar in the community and all that shit.  And then I’d play up the pity factor in order to have a good starting capital in order for the team to go after good players.”  Bettman acknowledged that his personal preference would be an earthquake, because “the images of destruction are just so much more resounding on TV.  The mix of colours amongst the rubble really looks nice in the 46-inch flat-screen in my office.  Destruction has never looked more picturesque.”  Bettman added that the images of flooding in New Orleans was “repetitive” and did not capture his attention.  Plus, the practical odds of a flood in Phoenix, Arizona, are unlikely.  “It’s pretty much earthquake or go broke,” Bettman admitted with a mixture of dejection and hope.

Coyotes' captain Shane Doan is disappointed with Bettman's vision

Coyotes’ captain Shane Doan, by far the longest-tenured player with the team, said that Bettman’s ideas, although well-intended, were not something he’d wish upon any city.  “I suppose Mr. Bettman has the best interests of the franchise in his mind,” Doan said, “but the dude is warped man.  Seriously, did he actually say he wants the city of Phoenix reduced to rubble?”  Assistant captain Zbynek Michalek, a native of the Czech Republic, did not seem to fully comprehend Bettman’s wish and opted to smile and nod rapidly in agreement with the commissioner’s plan.  “Jerry Bettman is reason for me to have job.  If Jerry Bettman wants earth smash, then I bring the hammer and smash.” Only time will tell if Gary Bettman will get his wish.