Entire Canadian Population Plans For Mass Suicide

With the Olympic Winter games now just a day away from opening, the excitement for the only event that anyone really cares about is growing, especially in Canada. With the tournament being played on home soil, Canadians have pegged this as the most important International hockey event in history. As you would expect, the celebration would be enormous should Canada bring home the gold, but its the latest announcement from Prime Minister Stephen Harper that has everyone talking. Harper addressed the nation early Thursday morning and explained what will be done in the event that Canada fails to win Olympic hockey gold. “Should our team fail to win the gold medal at the Vancouver Olympics, I have ordered that there be a mass suicide involving every single Canadian citizen whether they live in Canada or not. Our country is built on one thing; hockey, and if we can’t win at that then what reason is there for any of us to even live?”  Harper said that the suicide would be held in a ritualistic manner with each Canadian person drinking red kool-aid laced with some kind of poisonous sedative before collapsing on the ice of their local arena. Many Canadians, while saddened to hear the news of their possible demise, understand that this is something that had to be done. “I’ve never liked that Harper guy, but this is one decision of his that I actually value,” said Winnipeg native Todd Weston. “It sucks to think that in just a few days I could be dead, but I’m not worried cause we’re bringing the gold home. Go Canada Go! WOOHOO we’re number one baby.”

If Russia wins gold, this would be the last image that a Canadian would ever see

For those who aren’t fans of hockey and could care less about the Olympics, the news of the mass suicide has been difficult to accept. “I don’t even know the rules of hockey and in fact I have never even watched a hockey game, so why should I be subjected to this insanity?” asked 20 year old Patricia Conlon who is described as a “hippie loser” by anyone who is unlucky enough to know of her existence. Harper, in speaking to those Canadians whose lives don’t hinge on whether or not the countries’ hockey team wins a gold medal, said that “If you don’t like hockey and don’t care whether or not we win the gold then you don’t even belong in this great country in the first place. This is a hockey nation and if you can’t go along with that then screw you, we’ll see you in hell.”