Breaking News: Chris Chelios Called Up

Shockwaves were felt throughout the National Hockey League today as the Atlanta Thrashers have called up 48-year old defenceman Chris Chelios in an effort to secure a playoff spot.  Chelios has spent the season playing in the AHL and Tuesday nights in the retiree pick-up game at an arena near his Chicago residence.  Despite his advanced age and diminished skill set, Chelios is eager about his return to NHL action at the highest level.  Distinct Kicking Motion caught up with Chelios and several of his new teammates in Atlanta to gauge the reaction and excitement for Chris’ return to the show.

“Oh man, my knees were knocking when I heard the news,” Chelios admitted.  “I felt like a rookie again… a rookie with an artificial hip, two artificial knees, hearing problems, memory issues, and osteoporosis.”

When Chelios was asked whether or not he could still be a contributor in Atlanta, he responded, “Yeah, I absolutely believe that I’ll help the Flames going forward.  There’s a lot of bite left in this old dog.”

The Atlanta Flames: 1972-1980

While surprised by the news, Chelios’ new teammates were supportive of the arrival of their “new” rearguard.  Assistant captain Slava Kozlov, the longest-tenured member of the Thrashers welcomed the veteran presence that Chelios brings.  “Experience is invaluable come playoff time,” stated the well-spoken Kozlov.  “Chris brings more post-season games than the rest of this team combined, I’m pretty sure, so that counts for something.”  Kozlov later added, “of course, that benefit would actually require us to make the post-season.”  Kozlov, the second-oldest member on the Thrashers at 37-years old, is ELEVEN years Chelios’ junior, remains realistic in the Thrashers chances to be a playoff team.  “We traded away our best player (Ilya Kovalchuk) and called up Chris Chelios.  If that doesn’t mean management is mailing it in, I don’t know what does.”

One of the more excited and out-spoken players in the locker room was Nik Antropov.  Antropov, enjoying a career year in Atlanta has been a leader for the Thrashers on the ice and off.  “I of course have the excitement to this man to join the team,” Antropov said.  “Chris Chelios will bring the next level to us.  It has been my dream to play with living dinosaur.”

When asked further how Chelios would impact the team immediately, Antropov issued this lengthy reply: “I am much aware of Chris Chelios.  Because of my great height, I can see the room and the players in it, and then on the ice too.  I am the tallest, so I am the leader of team.  Chris Chelios comes in and he can play defence, and I will see him with my height.  So, with this height and seeing him, passes and puck movement can happen.  I go to net, and I see him shooting from any place on ice level, and I can put the puck behind the net.  Atlanta will win many times with this pressure, and I will be first because of my height.  New captain, new excitement.”

Nik Antropov shows off his un-guardable reach and height advantage

Fellow Thrasher’s defenceman Pavel Kubina, at age 32, is usually considered an NHL veteran.  He acknowledged the age disparity quickly, saying, “I haven’t played alongside someone 16-years older than me since I was a rookie 11 years ago.  It’s actually kind of liberating.”  Kubina did not share the same optimism echoed by his teammates regarding the potential for Chelios to have a positive impact on the ice.  “Seriously, I fear for him,” Kubina stated.  “If I have to pair with him, I’ll have to keep one eye on the play while also making sure he’s not hurting his brittle bones out there, taking his daily dosages of medication, and not getting behind the wheel after the game… you know how eyesight and awareness diminish with age.  Frankly, that will be distracting for me.”

Centre Marty Reasoner has one distinct memory of Chelios’ earlier playing days.  Reasoner recalls: “I remember when I was back in Edmonton the first time around, the 2001-2002 season.  The new jerseys were all the rage for us that year, and we were playing Detroit one night.  I remember a fan in a Laraque jersey holding a sign up to Chelios, something about how the old bastard should retire.  I remember watching our forwards skate right around the poor guy all night, getting scoring chances each time he took the ice, and thinking, ‘that guy with the sign has a good fucking point.  I just remember he was so, so slow and awful then.  And that was what, eight, nine years ago?  Not good.”

“I heard the guy thinks that we’re the Flames,” Reasoner added.  “Maybe when you got in the league, Chris, but not any-fucking-more buddy.  We’re fucked.”

The only known photo of the sign described by Marty Reasoner, from the 2001-2002 season

Eighteen-year old left wing Evander Kane said he may have seen Chelios “on some black and white stuff on hockey’s roots, or something.”  However, he was familiar with Chelios through an unusual source.  “My dad was on the phone calling me the minute he heard that Mr. Chelios was joining the team.  Apparently my old man watched Chelios when he was growing up and is a big fan.”

“He wants me to get Mr. Chelios’ autograph,” Kane said.  “I figure it’ll be an easy father’s day gift I can get ahead of time, so that’s wicked.”