The Mullet: "We Will Win"
Much like Mark Messier’s guaranteed victory over the New Jersey Devils in game 6 of the 1994 Eastern Conference Finals, Patrick Kane’s Mullet added another chapter to the book of bold predictions by guaranteeing that his Chicago Blackhawks will defeat the Flyers and capture the franchise’s first Stanley Cup since 1961. “We’re gonna win. Write it down, stamp it, send it to the Flyers dressing room, I don’t care what you do. Thats just how confident I am,” said the Mullet, as it flowed down the back of Hawks sniper Patrick Kane’s head. ”I have the utmost confidence in this group of guys and with the way we have been playing, there isn’t anyone that can beat us.”
The Mullet, which was created prior to the Blackhawks opening round series has now grown to spectacular length, and has developed a domineering sense of confidence rarely seem in such a young, fresh Mullet. “Its been quite a ride,” the Mullet said. “It seems like ages ago we were starting this journey against Nashville and now that we are here its pretty surreal. Each game and each series that passes I can feel myself growing longer and stronger. Pretty soon I’ll be a full-grown, lustrous thing of beauty. And when we win that fourth game, its gonna be some kind of party. Of course, it will be tame and all business in the front and on top, but in the back…the fucking party will be like nothing anyone has ever seen before.”
I heard they tried to get Scott Hartnell’s Bernadette Peters style perm to comment in response but it stormed out of the locker room and hid in the showers for an extended “lather, rinse, repeat” session until the media had gone.
Oh no doubt about it. That mangled nest needs to be shampooed and conditioned more than a few times