This was Richard Park's actual reaction to the announcement of Pyeongchang getting the 2018 Olympics

NHL mega-star and long-time DKM supporter Richard Park has issued fair warning for the 2018 Olympic Winter Games: “Kolea is going to take the gord medar!!”

That bold statement came on the heels of the announcement that the city of Pyeongchang, South Korea, will be hosting the Winter Olympic games in 2018.  While Korea is often highly competitive on other forms of ice, such as speed skating and figure skating, hockey hasn’t been much of a forte.  That’s all going to change in the next six years, says Park, who sat down exclusively with DKM to talk about his excitement over the announcement.

“Re rill be leady to pray big time hockey games!” Park declared.  “This is time for South Kolea to take up our sticks and pucks, and jam them on the Canadians!!”

Although South Korea does not currently have more than four ice hockey players in the entire country, Park is optimistic that his high-level NHL experience will rub off on the rookies during training.  “I have prayed with the best prayers in the whore wide wowld!!” Park shouted.  “Once I get prayers to sign up, I teach to skate and shoot, and then we get to the power pray!!  We are so tiny and fast prayers, we buzz arr over the ice and other team must take penarties.  Then, we rill capitarize on the advantage and get many goars this way!  Many, many goars!”

Park, who has 95 goals scored in 684 NHL games, believes that the Koreans should actually be viewed as favourites, over typical heavyweights like Canada, the U.S., Russia, and Sweden.  “Those countries no ronger good at hockey!  Now, it is South Kolea’s time to be the best!”

It’s certainly an exciting time for the residents of South Korea, and particularly for the thirty-six fans of ice hockey in the country, all of whom are Richard Park’s extended family.  It is unknown at this time whether or not Park’s 6 separate International ice hockey appearances for the United States will effectively bar him from competing for South Korea in 2018.  “If they even try to stop me, I wirr no ronger be smiring arr the time!!  I wirr instead take a bite out of their asses!!”

Richard Park's family braved the cold to celebrate ice hockey's arrival in South Korea in 2018.

James Reimer (G – Toronto Maple Leafs) – “Well, I just settled my contract with the Leafs, so it’s been a busy start to the summer so far.  With this financial security now, I’m looking at buying a place for myself in downtown Toronto, and maybe a new truck for my dad.  I’m going to put in some work on the ice because I’ll have to get better going into this year, now that guys have seen me play and can prepare for me.  I’ll be ready for training camp, for sure.  I also want to try to come up with a nickname cooler than ‘Optimus Reim’, but I don’t think that’s humanly possible.  We’ll see.”

Semin can't wait to re-unite the "Five Bastards"

Alexander Semin (LW – Washington Capitals) – “I think only the parties and what I can make of them.  I go back to the Russia land, and home, and the parties are attended.  I have me and all the good friends from youth-hood there – Maxim, Aleksei, Boris, and Yuri.  We are called to the neighbours in town as “Five Bastards”.  The neighbours always do the laugh and play at us with that name.  So much party time and drinking can happen, and will happen, all summer long.”

Mark Recchi (newly retired from the Boston Bruins) – “There’s truly no better way to go out than as a champion.  I have my health, money saved, and many great memories accumulated from over the years in this league.  It’s been a privilege to have been able to go out there and play in front of so many fans for so many years, just doing what I love to do best.  I’m going to enjoy relaxing at home with my wife and three kids, who have sacrificed so much to allow me to pursue my dream over all of these years.  I’d like to thank them, the fans, management, and my teammates from over the years for contributing so much in my life.”

Richard Park (RW – Geneve-Servette HC – Swiss League)

“Awww I probabry should be training for next season of hockey!  But I cannot do that just yet!  I am such big fan of computel games, with best game being Starcraft 2!!  I watch many many tournaments arr year rong, but now I can rawtch many many more on-rine on youtube!  My favoulite prayer is EGIdrA.  He is numbel one Zerg prayer in the whore wide game!  I rawtched him pray in a tournament in Corumbus not too rong ago, and he pray so good!  He make many fans smire.  The fans smired so hawd, they faces hurt just rike hippos!  But then the plessure got to IdrA and he rost in the semi-finars against top Kolean prayer, oGsMC.  MC is a vely good prayer too!  Oh I just rove Starcraft so much, I go to rawtch many matches light now!

R.J. Umberger (C – Columbus Blue Jackets) – “Bro I’m just fuckin’ jacked and ready for a fuckin’ sweet summer.  I’m gonna prolly be goin’ home to fuckin’ Pittsburgh and see my fuckin’ boys for a little while.  You know, hit up the links, go dt, get fucked up, picks up some scrubs and show em a good time.  So fuckin’ stoked for how sweet it’s gonna be.  Just so fuckin’ sweet.”

Patrick Kane (RW – Chicago Blackhawks) – “I got this sick plan for the summer I wanna share with you guys.  And no, before we even get into it, I ain’t going to take any ‘cab rides’ or get into any problems with cabbies or anything this summer.  I’ve been there, done that.  No, this year I’m doing to get a group of my friends – guys, girls, everyone – and we’re going to head to a party somewhere on one of those giant party-bus type things, you know?  And you know what’s gonna happen then?  I’m gonna go up to that party bus driver and knock the fuckin’ piss out of him.  I ain’t after cabbies this year because I’m ABOVE that shit now.  Kaner ain’t here fuckin’ around anymore, Kaner’s ready for the big leagues.  And the big leagues, where I come from, is knocking bus drivers onto their fucking faces.”

Kane regrets not beating up this bus driver after Chicago's Stanley Cup win. "I wasn't ready for it at the time," Kane said. "I am now."

Sidney Crosby (C – Pittsburgh Penguins) – “Well, I’m hoping to get cleared from my concussion so I can hopefully play hockey again.  It’s really tough babysitting Mario’s kids and not being able to play mini-sticks with them, because that’s my favourite thing to do, honest to God.  But Mario and Natalie are very strict.  They’re not letting me play mini-sticks, and they won’t extend my curfew past 9pm this summer, because the rest is supposedly good.  I don’t know, I’d like to at least be able to stay up until 10.”

After watching their team fall heartbreakingly short in the Stanley Cup Finals and then watching their city fall victim to unruly rioters, fans of the Vancouver Canucks say they are unable to recall even one aspect from the past hockey season; instead only remembering the horrific aftermath that followed the game 7 defeat. “We had a good season, right?” asked 40-year-old Walter Minley, a life-long Canucks fan and season ticket holder who attended every single Canucks home game this year. “I’m positive there were some incredible highlights and memorable moments but I just can’t seem to remember any. There had to be lots of players wearing Canucks jerseys scoring big goals and making big saves but none that stand out. The only people wearing Canucks jerseys whom I can remember now are those people who were smashing and lightning cars and fire, and breaking windows and stealing from stores.”

10-year-old Matty Trent has loved the Canucks ever since his father John took him to a Vancouver game when he was 5, but the young fan can no longer even remember who his favourite player was due to the trauma he endured from witnessing the riots which included seeing his father attacked by an angry mob. “I don’t know any players,” he was able to say in between flowing tears. “I only remember bad men in Canucks jerseys punching and kicking my dad and then the blood dripping from his face. They beat him up because he told them to stop hurting things but now he hurted real bad.”

Following his team’s 4-0 loss in game 4 of the Stanley Cup Finals, Vancouver forward Alex Burrows told reporters that the team needs to bite more; something he feels they got away from in the two games in Boston. “Through the first-two games of the series we were really on our game. We were skating fast, hitting everything in sight and biting when we needed to,” said Burrows whose biting of Patrice Bergeron’s finger in game 1 has become an on-going storyline as the series has progressed. The Canucks took the first two games in front of the home crowd but things have changed dramatically after the Bruins outscored the Canucks by a combined score of 11-1 in games 3 and 4. “I don’t know what happened in Boston. Its like we got on the plane and somewhere between Vancouver and Boston forgot to do all of the little things that made us so successful in the first two games, particularly biting. I don’t think we made one bite in either game in Boston and that is just unacceptable. We definitely need to make more of a concentrated effort on getting a good bite in every now and then. A bite here, a bite there, it doesn’t take much, but we all need to do it and we all need to be committed to doing it on a consistent basis.”

Vancouver Canucks

• Keep the belief that they are favoured by god and are destined to win just because they are a Canadian team and Canada hasn’t won the Cup in such a wong, wong time
• With Marc Savard out of the lineup it will be interesting to see which Bruins player Raffi Torres will give a concussion
• Ryan Kesler shouldn’t change anything about his game. So that means he needs to keep being a little cocksucker every time he is on the ice
• Be sure not to wake Kevin Bieksa up from his on-going dream of playing like Bobby Orr
• The girl who flashed Ben Eager in the Sharks series should be at every game in both cities; everyone loves a good titty

Boston Bruins

• Milan Lucic and Nathan Horton should stop telling everyone how cute their matching “bash bros.” tattoos are
• Mark Recchi’s experience in the 1991 Stanley Cup Finals has no bearing on this series, but the joke of how he was playing in the Cup finals while Tyler Seguin’s parents were conceiving him never gets old
• Two Sedins vs. one Chara. Time for Zdeno’s twin brother Vojtech to emerge
• Tim Thomas might not be as technically sound as Roberto Luongo, but aww’shucks he is such a swell guy
• If victorious, act like smug assholes who think they own the sport just because they won one championship in a hundred years; just like Red Sox Fans

Luongo's reaction when asked which team he would rather face in Cup Finals

When asked who they would prefer to play in the next round, the team being confronted with the question usually takes the easy route and says that it doesn’t matter who they play because both teams are equally good. The Vancouver Canucks chose to answer the question differently saying that they absolutely hope to play the Tampa Bay Lightning in the Stanley Cup Finals which begins next Wednesday. Tampa faces the Boston Bruins tonight in game 7 of the Eastern Conference Finals and Canucks players will be watching and cheering for the upstart Lightning to come away with a victory. “Oh yeah we definitely are hoping that the Lightning can win tonight. We would much rather see them in the finals because they just don’t pose as many problems as the Bruins do,” said captain Henrik Sedin. “Boston has some big, tough forwards who love to play a physical, grinding game and then of course they have Chara on the back-end and he is just a nightmare to play against. And then there is a pretty big difference in net too.” 

The Canucks will be hoping to take advantage of their ability to rest and recover after eliminating the San Jose Sharks on Tuesday night; something that goaltender Roberto Luongo says won’t really matter anyways if they end up facing the Lightning. “I don’t think it matters much how much or how little rest we get as long as we get to play Tampa. Hopefully the hockey gods keep shining down on us and TB can come away with the win because we have to like our chances against them. I mean come on. A team with the dominator Chara and then Thomas in net or a team with a few good forwards, terrible D and Dwayne Roloson in net. I think its pretty easy to see who we would rather play.”

While serving a penalty in game 2 of the Western Conference Finals between the San Jose Sharks and the Vancouver Canucks, Sharks forward Ben Eager was flashed by a female Canucks fans who exposed her breasts to the San Jose tough guy. The sight of the utterly spectacular jugs sent Eager into what can only be described as a maniacal frenzy as he went on to get several more costly penalties and play with a reckless style that bordered insanity. “How do you expect me to react to that? I saw a great pair of tits and pretty much just lost all focus. I went fucking nuts, there’s really nothing else I can say,” said Eager admitting he was more or less helpless against the amazing rack.  “I’d like to see you try and play a hockey game after seeing a set of knockers like that. Any warm-blooded hockey player knows that the one thing that sets us off the most is an unreal pair of funbags and as you can see these were just great fuckin’ cans.”

In his first two career playoff games, Bruins rookie forward Tyler Seguin has scored three goals and added three assists, helping the Bruins split the first two two games of the Eastern Conference Finals. The 19-year-old was a healthy scratch for the Bruins first two playoff series and credits his dickhead coach Claude Julien for finally putting him in the lineup. “Shit I guess I just wasn’t good enough before. I must have just gotten this good over night,” Seguin sarcastically quipped. “I mean I was only the second-overall draft pick and all, but I guess guys like Shawn Thornton and Daniel Paille are better than me. Good call.” 

In his first ever playoff game in game 1 Seguin scored two goals, one of the highlight variety and dished out an assist. He followed that performance with two goals and two assists in the Bruins 6-5 game 2 victory over the Tampa Bay Lightning. When asked if he was surprised at how successful he’s been, the young Seguin said absolutely not.  “I could have been doing this all along if my dickhead coach would have given me a chance. Two games played and I already have more points than Lucic who has played all 13 games, is out there every second and gets all the power play time. I don’t know you do the math. My coach must think that it is better to play guys that I have clearly been better than all along. Its like he sits there and says ‘ok, Seguin is obviously better but lets go with Thornton and Paille anyways.’  That must be the strategy coaches are using these days…the guy must be one of those dickheads or something.”

Still yet to record a single point through six games of action in the Western Conference Semi-Final series between the San Jose Sharks and the Detroit Red Wings, Sharks forward Patrick Marleau says that despite the heavy criticism he has been receiving; he believes that he has performed well in the series. “To tell you the truth I don’t really get what all the fuss is about. I’ve been very pleased with the way I have played in this series. Actually, I think I’m playing great,” said Marleau who scored five points in San Jose’s opening round victory over Los Angeles but hasn’t found the scoresheet in six games against Detroit. “I thought I was ok in the LA series but I’ve really started to find my legs as this series has gone on. The playoffs are a marathon not a sprint and I feel like I started slowly but now I’m really kicking it into high gear.” 

After getting out to a 3-0 series lead the Sharks have seen the Red Wings rattle off through straight wins of their own and are now in danger of becoming just the third team in NHL history to blow a 3-0 series lead. Marleau’s performance in a game 5 loss was called “gutless” by ESPN broadcaster Jeremy Roenick, something the veteran forward could only laugh at.  ”I just have to shake my head at stuff like that. Like seriously is the guy on drugs or something? Did he not see me flying around out there pretty much dominating the entire game and doing whatever I wanted on the ice? What a clown. This is some of the best hockey I’ve ever played in my life and he says I’m gutless; what game is he watching? P-Marl12 is all over the place out there. I just wish  some of my teammates could pick up the slack a bit cause my back is starting to get really tired. Tired from carrying them around game in and game out.”

Despite having won four consecutive division titles including a Presidents Trophy last year, the Washington Capitals have failed to adavance past the second-round of the Stanley Cup playoffs in that span and now face a 3-0 series deficit against the upstart Tampa Bay Lightning. The constant under-achieving of not being able to win in the playoffs has led Capitals players to the realization that it is simply impossible to advance to the Conference Finals. “Well, what else is there to say, we continue to prove that it is literally impossible for us to advance to round 3,” said captain Alex Ovechkin. “We might win our opening round series here and there but then we realize that we basically have no chance of beating the next team no matter who it is. We would probably lose to a girls team if that’s who our opponents were in the second round. I don’t know how these other teams do it but it seems pretty damn impossible to win two seven-game series in one year.” 

In 2008 the Caps were upset in the first-round against the Flyers, in ’09 they were ousted by the Penguins in round 2 and a year ago they were defeated by the 8th seed Montreal Canadiens despite finishing the regular season as the top team in the league. Head coach Bruce Boudreau could offer up little explanation as to why winning two playoff series has become such an impossibility.  “There must be some type of force-field blocking us from getting any further,” said Boudreau who has coached the club through all of their early post-season exits.  “It might be time for everyone; coaches, players, and fans, to realize that the Washington Capitals simply cannot get past the second-round of the NHL playoffs.”