What would this young fan think if she learned that her hero was a puck stealer?

Despite recently donating 4 million dollars of his contract to a Philadelphia SickKids Hospital, Flyers defenceman Chris Pronger continues to be looked at as a villain because of the game pucks he stole at the conclusion of games 1 and 2 of the Stanley Cup Finals. “How dare he take those pucks,” said Blackhawks fan James Hoover. “Those were two hard fought wins for the Hawks and they deserved to savour the victories with a nice souvenir. Chris Pronger has no class at all, and if you ask me, he’s a real piece of crap.”

David Bryant, another Hawks fan was equally upset about the stealing of the pucks. “I can’t believe it, I can’t fucking believe it. I’m disgusted, absolutely disgusted with the lack of respect shown by Pronger and the entire Flyers organization,” the 30-year-old season ticket holder said. “You know, there are two good teams out there playing their guts out, and it all gets tarnished by the selfish act of one player, its a real shame. I read the other day that Pronger gave a bunch of money to some sick kids or something, but then he goes and does something like this. Sorry Chris, but that seems a little hypocritical if you ask me. You can’t give money, act like a saint, and then go out and steal pucks. It just doesn’t work that way.”

It wasn’t just the fans that were irked over Pronger’s actions. Hawks player were also upset over not receiving their coveted game pucks. As the buzzer sounded in game 2, Pronger once again skated into the Hawks zone and grabbed the puck before any of the Chicago players could. This time it struck a chord with Hawks tough guy Ben Eager, who skated over to confront Pronger before the two players had to be seperated.  “I can’t believe he would do something like that,” Eager said addressing the situation. “He’s been around for a long time and knows that the winning team always gets to take home the puck. I was extra pissed because coach Quennville was going to present me with the game puck, but then he realized there was no puck to even give so he just forgot about it. I felt like crying.”

The Mullet: "We Will Win"

Much like Mark Messier’s guaranteed victory over the New Jersey Devils in game 6 of the 1994 Eastern Conference Finals, Patrick Kane’s Mullet added another chapter to the book of bold predictions by guaranteeing that his Chicago Blackhawks will defeat the Flyers and capture the franchise’s first Stanley Cup since 1961. “We’re gonna win. Write it down, stamp it, send it to the Flyers dressing room, I don’t care what you do. Thats just how confident I am,” said the Mullet, as it flowed down the back of Hawks sniper Patrick Kane’s head. ”I have the utmost confidence in this group of guys and with the way we have been playing, there isn’t anyone that can beat us.”

The Mullet, which was created prior to the Blackhawks opening round series has now grown to spectacular length, and has developed a domineering sense of confidence rarely seem in such a young, fresh Mullet. “Its been quite a ride,” the Mullet said. “It  seems like ages ago we were starting this journey against Nashville and now that we are here its pretty surreal. Each game and each series that passes I can feel myself growing longer and stronger. Pretty soon I’ll be a full-grown, lustrous thing of beauty. And when we win that fourth game, its gonna be some kind of party. Of course, it will be tame and all business in the front and on top, but in the back…the fucking party will be like nothing anyone has ever seen before.”

Chicago Blackhawks:

• Make sure to get a lot of shots on Flyers goalie Michael Leighton because he probably isn’t really any good
• Gain the supprt of the southern States by showing them pictures of Patrick Kane’s mullet
• Try to ignore the fact that Marian Hossa has been on the losing team in two straight Stanley Cup Finals
• Playoff mustache’s are cool, but not on Joel Quenneville
• Trick one of the Flyers players into picking up Patrick Kane in a Taxi
• Since they haven’t won a Cup since 1961, they should probably try really hard to win this time

Philadelphia Flyers

• Make sure to get a lot of shots on Hawks goalie Antti Niemi because he probably isn’t really any good
• Don’t let Dustin Byfuglien get close to the net because he can dunk
• Chris Pronger seems to be pretty good so they should put him out a lot
• Have Flyers legend Bobby Clarke give a two hour demonstration on slashing, spearing, cross-checking, elbowing, checking from behind, butt-ending, kicking, and head-butting
• Either way, try to get the series over fast so that no one has to see Scott Hartnell anymore
• If the team happens to lose, just do what any good Philadelphian does; blame Donovan Mcnabb

After playing a major role in Chicago’s 4-2 series victory over the Vancouver Canucks, Hawks Dustin Byfuglien took the time to sit down with DKM and answer a few questions on the upcoming Western Conference Final between Chicago and San Jose.

DKM: Hi Dustin, congrats on the win over the Canucks

Byfuglien: Ahhhhhh yeeeeah thanks playa, much love.

DKM: You had a big series against the Canucks. Not only were you getting under their skin but you were also showing up big on the scoresheet. What do you attribute that success to?

Byfuglien: Yo let me tell you somethin brotha, those ‘Nucks ain’t nothin for a big dawg like me to worry about. I was getting right up in Luongo’s grill all series long and when they would get mad I would just start lightin shit up all ova the place. I was straight beastin out there, and with my two main niggas J.Tizzle and P.Kanzey out there, we was straight dirty all night long, man, you feel me?

DKM: You’ve garnered a reputation of being a crease crasher and a bully. Is that something you enjoy or is it just a role you have to play in order to be successful?

Byfuglien: Yo check this out bro. I luv that shit. Ain’t nobody gon’ stop me from doing my thang. If these bitches can’t roll with the big dawgs then they should just get the fuck out the kennel. I ain’t worried about any of these hataz runnin they mouth, I’m just gon’ keep shinin. They call me Big Buff and I don’t play.

DKM: You guys were in the same position a year ago. Do you think that experience will help you guys in this series?

Byfuglien: Yo listen up man. You betta believe this year is gon’ be a little different. Last year Coach Q put the shackles on a nigga. This year the biggest dawg of em all is off the chains and damn hungry too grrrrrr. I’m gonna be straight barkin nigga, barkin grrrrrrrr.

DKM: You’ll of course be taking on the top seeded San Jose Sharks. These were the top two teams in the West pretty much all year. What do you know about these guys?

Byfuglien: Yo dawg let me check on you for a second. They got some real niggaz ova there. Joe Thornts, D-Heat, Pat Mizzle, Joe Pa, they be some straight mothafuckin ridaz let me tell you. It ain’t gon’ be easy but we are the dawgs representin the Chi town Hawks, we ain’t scurred.

DKM: You’ve been in the league for a few years now, ever get tired of these trips to California?

Byfuglien: Ahhhhhhh sheeeeeit dawg, now you talkin bro. You know this big nigga can’t get enough of that Cali sun. There ain’t nothin like rollin around in the Benzie and havin these Cali hoes checkin up on you. Cali bitches be real baby, not like dem nappy headed hoes I see scummin’ around the Chi.

DKM: What do you think are some of the keys to victory for the Hawks?

Byfuglien: Yo playa check this shit out. You know the Big Buff is the only key to the series. If I bring the same flava that I brought against those ‘Couver niggaz then there ain’t nobody that can stop us. And let me tell you something on the real. I plan on runnin train on these Shark hataz so they betta be ready to get straight pimped on.

DKM: Do you plan on getting into the face of Evgeni Nabokov?

Byfuglien: Yo dawg listen up. What do you think bro? I’m gonna be straight frontin on that bitch nigga all series. He ain’t nothin but a Russian bird and he ain’t got nothin on a man-beast like #33 reppin the red, black and white. It’s gon’ be real.

DKM: You guys have had a few days off to get some rest. How did you spend your time?

Byfuglien: Ahhhhhhhh yeeeeeeah you know this nigga was gettin straight crunk every night. Me and some of my boyz hit the club and you best believe we did it right. We was spendin those Benjamins all night long. I’m talking bottles of Dom, Goose, Henn, Patrone, all the top dolla shit. When we walked in the club the bitches just started straight flockin. These otha brothas knew it was time to just get the fuck out the club cause there wasn’t no way they was gonna be gettin any pootie with the big dawgs in the house.

DKM: Sounds like a good time. Well, thanks for the time Dustin and good luck in the series.

Byfuglien: Yo check this out brotha. It ain’t nothin but a G thang. Real Talk.

The Montreal Canadiens celebrate their Game 7 victory over the Pittsburgh Penguins

The Montreal Canadiens continued their playoff run with yet another upset victory, this time knocking off the defending champion Pittsburgh Penguins in seven games.  This has been the cause of much excitement and celebration, both for the players on the team and the fans in Montreal.  However, DKM has learned that the magical playoff run has upset at least one player, backup goaltender Carey Price.

Carey Price doing the one thing he does better than stopping pucks

Price, the Canadiens’ party boy extraordinaire, has ensured that his playing schedule was always wrapped up by the May 24 Victoria Day weekend.  Considered a party weekend by many Canadian citizens, Price has partaken in May two-four festivities since he was 14.  However, this time around, Price will be forced to accompany his teammates as they compete in the Eastern Conference finals against the winner of the Philadelphia Flyers / Boston Bruins series.

“It sucks,” lamented Price.  “My boys and I were going to head to the cottage this weekend, clean it up a little bit and stock up on the beer.  I already sent out the Event invites on Facebook, so now a whole lot of people are going to be pissed.  Pittsburgh just didn’t feel like going deep again, I guess.  Fuck.”

Carey and a couple of his boys from last year's May 24 weekend

Price had also arranged for a bevy of strippers, hookers, and (in his terms) “high school sluts” from the towns and cities around his cottage in Williams Lake, BC.  “Seriously, I went through a lot of time and expense evaluating which of these broads I should bring out to the bash.  All that time you saw me on the bench this year, I was working hard to choose only the hottest ass I could find.  If Halak has been good for anything, it’s been nice having those extra few hours every game day to get some work done.”

Price readily admits that he prefers "classy bitches", like these ones

However, Price resents Halak’s play this postseason.  “He’s totally fucked everything up,” Price seethed.  “I had a fucking system in place down pat.  I got us into the playoffs each year, so these Montreal fans wouldn’t get their panties all twisted.  But you see, I was smart about it.  I made sure that we made it at least to the second round the year we finished first in the East, so the upset wasn’t THAT huge.  Then last year we were 8th, so I just shut ‘er down in the first round right away.”

“That fucking idiot Halak should realize that these French fucks would’ve been more than happy with an upset over Washington.  He accomplishes nothing by beating anyone else.”

Price curses under his breath at Halak

Price admits that he was frustrated on the bench as a backup, realizing he was powerless to put Pittsburgh through in the decisive Game 7.  “It was agonizing,” Price admitted.  “I was praying for an injury, hoping that big retard Kunitz would run Halak over or something.  I would’ve come in and killed it, given Crosby a hat trick, and popped the champagne to toast the end of our season.”

Price shrugged off the notion that he simply isn’t good enough to carry the Canadiens deep into the playoffs as a number one goalie.  “That’s ludicrous.  We lose because I choose to lose.  World Junior tournament, remember that?  No bigger pressure than playing net for Canada in that, and I believe I led us to the gold.  Why?  Because the final was after New Years, so there wasn’t any killer parties to worry about.  The NHL playoffs coincide with my cottage party each spring, and I just can’t have that.”

Canadiens’ head coach Jacques Martin says that he isn’t shocked hearing this about Price.  “Hit’s nothing surprising to ‘ear hat hall, coming from Carey.  Hevery practice ‘e can get the shutout, because ‘e his just so talented.  But I ‘eard habout the partying, so I knew Carey cannot be reliable.”

Veteran defenceman Hal Gill expressed little interest in Price’s party.  “I mean, most of us vets have families, and realize that this is our profession.  Using our money and fame to organize parties, particularly those that coincide with the most important time of our season, is just juvenile and immature.”

“I know Carey is just 22 or whatever,” Gill continued.  “But the fact of the matter is that this is his third season as an NHL goaltender.  He is a professional athlete.  I take a lot of pride in showing up to work each day, and grinding out the postseason, and am willing to sacrifice my body just for that chance to be a champion.  I don’t think Carey understands that.”

Price shrugs off comments made by veterans like Gill.  “That’s why those jerks aren’t invited,” Price spat.  “Those dinosaurs are just pussy-whipped now.  If they weren’t married and still had possession of their balls, then I guarantee they’d be first in line.  But that’s fine, we got a good group of young guys ready to fuckin’ give’r.”

Sergei Kostitsyn partied up at last year's bash

Sergei Kostitsyn is one of those “young guys,” and he was disappointed that the Canadiens’ playoff success would be interfering with Price’s party.  “It now is one thing every year,” Kostitsyn explained.  “But now Jaro (Halak) has come to the town, and the hockey still happens.  Hockey can’t happen to the party, but this year, I guess so.”

“I am having the fucking madness at Jaro for this.”

At the time this article was published, Price was trying to figure out a way to still arrange a party for his teammates after the season.  “It would be a lot more fucking convenient if I knew when that would be though.  Hookers have crazy schedules and you just have to book in advance”

“I just want to get fucked up, and see P.K.’s giant-ass dick swingin’ around.”

P.K. Subban shows a full-scale representation of his penis length

The defending Stanley Cup Champion Pittsburgh Penguins find themselves in an unexpected elimination game tonight when they host the Montreal Canadiens in game 7 of their Eastern Conference semi-final series. The Pens, who were heavy favourites coming into the series, failed to close out the upstart Habs in game 6 and now face an anything-can-happen, winner-take-all game against the Habs. Following their defeat in game 6 at the Bell Centre, Pittsburgh players admitted that now that the series is going seven games they might just have to start taking the opposition seriously. “Well, I guess we have to play another game against these guys,” a beleaguered Jordan Staal said. “We kept thinking that ‘ok we’ll beat them in 4′, then we lost one and we’re like ‘ok surely we’ll beat them in 5′, then we lose again and we say ‘allright game over we’ll win in 6′, and we somehow lost that game too. Now we’re pretty much like “ok what the fuck is going on, I guess we have to start trying now.”

Even veteran forward Bill Guerin, a man of two Stanley Cups and countless playoff battles, admitted to having little respect for Montreal before the series began and says he still doesn’t respect them. “I’ll be honest with you, I’ve barely been trying in this series. You always hear guys throwing out cliche’s such as giving 110%, well I’ve probably been giving 10% in this series. Maybe in game 7 I will try and get up to 50%. If I give half of everything i’ve got then that should be more than enough.”  Head coach Dan Bylsma surprisingly supported these comments saying that “I understand where some of the guys are coming from. I know that I haven’t put much effort into coaching in this series either. I might spend 5 minutes on off days looking at game film, and my pre-game speeches probably last no longer than 30 seconds.”

The one player who showed the utmost respect for his opponent was of course Pens captain Sidney Crosby. Crosby, who has appeared tired and frusturated thanks to the tight checking of the Montreal defense, credited the Canadiens for playing great hockey. “They’ve been tremendous all series long. We’ve thrown everything but the kitchen sink at them but they never backed down, just kept coming at us. I’ve been giving 110% every game and every shift but they’ve got some solid players over there, veteran guys who have been there before and know what it takes to win. Game 7 is going to be a fun game to play in. The crowd is gonna be loud and they are gonna give us everything they’ve got, so yeah its going to be fun. Drop the puck.”

Sidney saying the right thing

The wife of Canucks defenseman Sami Salo filed a lawsuit today against the Chicago Blackhawks hockey club. Salo left last night’s game after blocking a Duncan Keith slapshot, an injury that was later diagnosed as a ruptured testicle. Today, Salo’s wife released a statement citing how she intends to sue the Blackhawks organization on the grounds of her husband not being able to have sex with her for however long it will take the injury to heal. “Great, just fucking great. What am I supposed to do now?” asked an irate Samantha Salo after learning of her husbad’s injury early this morning. “Who knows how long his nuts are gonna be out of commission. It could be weeks, months, who knows. More importantly, I have no fucking idea when the next time I will be having sex will be. Do you know what its like to hear that your husband has a ruptured testicle? No I’m sure you don’t because who on earth as ever ruptured a testicle? Stupid hockey players, I knew I never should have married one.”

When asked why she decided to sue the entire Hawks organization, Mrs. Salo’s reasons were very clear. “I don’t know who shot the puck and I don’t really care. All I know is that I have a husband who now has one ball, and someone has to pay for that. You don’t understand, his balls were like magic. I could play with those puppies all day long. In a matter of seconds my husband’s sack went from being firm and lustrous, to now being brittle and bruised. It’s a terrible, terrible feeling knowing that something that once gave you so much enjoyment will probably never be the same again.”

The Chicago Blackhawks, who have reportedly already gathered a team of lawyers to defend the case, released this statement after learning of the suit. “We are extremely apologetic for what happened to Mr. Salo in last night’s game. We understand and sympathize with Mrs. Salo, but feel that we should not be held responsible for Mr. Salo’s resulting injury. We can only assure the fans that we will do everything we can in order to uphold the long standing reputation of the Chicago Blackhawks hockey club. Thank you.”

After his team was defeated 4-3 in overtime and fell behind 3-0 in their series against the San Jose Sharks, Red Wings head coach Mike Babcock seemed confused and disoriented as he explained to reporters that Tim Cheveldae needs to step up his play in the series.  “Our goaltending has really let us down in this series. That third goal by Couture tonight is one that Chevy needs to save,” said Babcock referring to the early 90′s Wings goaltender who spent six uninspiring seasons in Detroit.

Babcock has enjoyed a whirlwind season, a season which included leading Canada to a gold medal in the pressure packed Vanouver Olympics. With the mighty Red Wings on the verge of seeing their dominance of the Western Conference finally coming to an end, the pressure may finally be taking its toll on Babcock. “I don’t know what to say really. Cheveldae was terrific for us all season. He stepped into the fire when we were struggling and turned himself into a nominee for the Calder trophy,” said the confused Wings coach, mistaking Cheveldae for current Wings rookie goalie Jimmy Howard. “Hopefully Chevy can get his game back to where we need it to be and who knows, maybe we can win the next couple games and get back into this thing. One thing is for certain though, we can’t win without a better effort from the Chev.”

When it was explained to him that Howard, not Cheveldae was the Wings starting goalie, Babcock nodded his head yes and stated “Yep, we’re going back to Timmy in game 4. He’s been our guy all year and we are confident that he can get the job done”

Generic picture of generic Boston Bruins' forward, Marco Sturm

Boston Bruins’ forward Marco Sturm tried to get some headlines in the series opener against the Philadelphia Flyers by tearing the ACL and MCL in his right knee.  Sturm is projected to be out for about 6 months, so needless to say his playoffs are done.  However, Sturm’s injury has been overshadowed by injuries to better players on other teams, and the return of Marc Savard on his own team.  Unfortunately, this has left Sturm very bitter and jealous about losing out on making the headlines that he has craved for so long.

“I’ve worked hard my entire career, and I’ve never really been in the headlines,” Sturm said dejectedly.  “I thought that maybe, just maybe, this one time I’d be able to be the big news in the NHL.  Even for a day, I didn’t think it was too much to ask just to be THE story for one day.”

Sturm’s injury came early in Game One, which was won by Boston in overtime by the returning Marc Savard, who was playing in his first game back from a serious concussion injury.  The fairytale-like ending enabled Savard to dominate the headlines, wiping away any chance Sturm had to dominate the headlines after the game.

“I was instantly relegated from a headline to a footnote,” Sturm lamented.  “Seriously, Z (defenceman Zdeno Chara) or someone else couldn’t have scored that?  It HAD to be Savvy?  This was my big chance to steal the spotlight, and I don’t know if it’ll ever come again.”

“I just don’t want to be remembered in twenty years as ‘that guy on the Bruins third line on NHL 2009′.  You know, the guy you never remember off the top of your head, but you hear the name and go ‘ohh yeah! Classic player!’”

When asked to elaborate further, Sturm offered to make a demonstration.  “Okay, let’s just go back 15 years.  Take the Leafs from the 1995-96 season.  Everyone remembers the names like Sundin, Gartner, and Gilmour right?  That’s how I’d like to be when looking back one day.  I don’t want to be Benoit Hogue, Mike Craig, and Kenny Jonsson.  Don’t remember those guys from that season?  No?  Didn’t think so.”

Marco Sturm isn't even the most famous German-born player, behind Olaf Kolzig

While Savard’s heroics dominated the headlines in Boston, Sturm’s chances at national recognition for his injury were destroyed as injuries took out better players on higher-profile teams.  Pittsburgh lost centre Jordan Staal and Montreal lost defenceman Andrei Markov to injury just prior to Sturm’s injury.  “Once again, I could’ve had the headline in the ‘significant playoff injury’ category.  But no, those two pricks had to go out and steal the spotlight from me, and I’m relegated to a footnote.”

“I can just see in a couple years, people conversing about this year’s playoffs.  ‘Hey remember all the injuries that happened that season?  Yeah Markov, Staal, and then that other guy ripped up his knee… I forget who that was though.. was he on a black team?’  Goddammit it’s just not fair.”

The 31-year old Sturm has averaged just over 0.5 points per game over his career, certainly not numbers that will leave a lasting impression in the minds of fans for years to come.

Coach Claude Julien ignores Marco Sturm as he is helped off the ice

Bruins’ coach Claude Julien was asked if Sturm’s injury would significantly impact his lineup for the remainder of the playoffs.  “No, no I don’t see it being much of an issue,” Julien admitted.  “That production should be fairly simple to replace.  Just find a player who gets a point once every other game or so, but isn’t really noticeable overall.  I’m sure we’ll be just fine moving forward.”

4. Pittsburgh vs. 8. Montreal

How did Montrear do it? They knocked off the mighty Capitars!, so vely unberievable! Now they must pray the defending Stanrey Cup Champion Pittsburrrgh Pengrins. I don’t think Montrear can win this time but they will defintery try their vely hawwwwwdest.  In the end, Sid Closby and Evgeni Markin will score too many goars  on Harak and the dream season will be arr ovel.  Pens in 6

6. Boston vs. 7. Philadelphia

Boston Bluins against Phiraderphia Fryers, such a vely ord time matchup!! Two rong time rivars who don’t rike each othel vely much and don’t care arot for smiring. Bruins and Fryers both pulled the mighty upsets in round one and now they meet each othel when they arr praying their best hockey of the season, and smiring the hawwwwwwwwdest. I pick the Bluins to win because they have the giant Charrrrra. He is like giant Mothra man from movie I watch rast night. He breath heavy fire out his nose, but he is still such a vely vely nice gentre man, arways skating and smiring.   Bruins in 5