by | April 26, 2011

What Are the Detroit Red Wings Doing With Their Time Off?

As the only team to sweep their first round playoff opponent the Detroit Red Wings have been off since the 20th of April and won’t play again until the second-round gets under way next weekend. With all that time off DKM wondered just what exactly the players have been doing during their lengthy lay-off:

Niklas Lidstrom: “Got nominated for another Norris Trophy, the usual. I can’t even count how many times I’ve won that trophy. Hockey is too easy for me. I’m bored”

Jimmy Howard: “Picked the mind of Chris Osgood to find out what it is like to be a sub-par goalie on a dominant team”

Henrik Zetterberg: “The boys did pretty good without me but I’m really hoping to get back in the lineup. The extra time I’ve had with my wife hasn’t exactly gone as planned….Maybe we rushed into things, you know? Continue reading →

Leave a Comment

Filed under The Bench Boss

Tagged as , , ,

by | April 20, 2011

Dave Bolland Attributes Big Night To Post-Concussion “Powers”

After being out of the lineup for the past five weeks, Blackhawks forward Dave Bolland returned in a big way as he scored a goal and added three helpers in his first game since suffering a concussion. Bolland had continued to experience post-concussion symptons keeping him out of the the first three games of Chicago’s opening-round series with Vancouver but was cleared to play last night, powering the Hawks to a 7-2 win to keep them alive for atleast one more game. Following the game, Bolland was asked how he thought he was able to do what he did in his first game since what was a very significant injury and the Mimico, Ontario native replied by saying that he felt he had what he described as “post-concussion powers.” Continue reading →

Leave a Comment

Filed under The Bench Boss

Tagged as , ,

by | April 19, 2011

Even Phoenix Coyotes Wondering How They Were Allowed In Playoffs

 

After a game 3 loss which now has the Coyotes trailing three games to none in their Western conference quarter-final series with Detroit, both clubs have begun to wonder just how the Phoenix Coyotes made the playoffs. “Wow that was easy, again,” sighed Wings forward Darren Helm. “Like seriously, who the hell let these guys into the playoffs? It must be a joke right, like an April fools joke? They might as well have had us play Columbus or Edmonton, they probably would have been better than these guys.”

The Coyotes, who have been badly outplayed through the first three games against Detroit having held a lead just once in the series, admit that they too aren’t really sure what happened to earn themselves a berth in the post-season. “I honestly have no clue how on earth we got in,” said veteran blue-liner Ed Jovanovski. “I know we finished sixth-place in the regular season standings but that was just a total fluke. I didn’t think that the league would actually let us play in the playoffs. I thought they were smart enough to know how bad we really were.” Continue reading →

Leave a Comment

Filed under The Bench Boss

Tagged as , , , ,

by | April 13, 2011

Pittsburgh vs Tampa Bay: Keys to the Matchup

Pittsburgh:

  • Sidney Crosby and Evgeni Malkin being out gives other players a chance to step up. Guys like Jordan Staal and….
  • Limit the lethal Lightning power play by refusing to put a player in the box after being penalized
  • Kick a soccer ball around before the game because that seems like the cool thing to do these days
  • You don’t wanna rush Sidney Crosby into playing if he’s not 100% healthy, but if he’s 30% healthy then I guess thats close enough

Tampa Bay:

  • Keep Steven Stamkos out of the Florida sun, he doesn’t look like he would tan well
  • Guy Boucher might be a rookie head coach in the NHL, but he is very good at telling which players to go on the ice
  • Is it really that big of a deal if Tampa tries to put two goalies in at once?
  • Martin St. Louis seems to do just fine using a stick that is too long for him. The other players should stop being babies and try it too.

Leave a Comment

Filed under The Bench Boss

Tagged as , , ,

by | April 13, 2011

Boston vs Montreal: Keys to the Matchup

Boston:

  • Utilize their size advantage by bullying the Montreal players and making up mean rumours about them
  • Try to get out to a 3-0 series lead; the safest lead in hockey
  • Tim Thomas moved way too fast last time. He should wait to see if Carey will ask him to the dance this time
  • Time for Zdeno Chara to bring out his secret weapon: smashing people into random pieces of glass that stick out unexpectedly

Montreal:

  • Montreal’s small forwards should mix things up by hiding on the ice and crawling between the Bruins legs
  • Keep the Montreal fans into the game but not getting beat up so much
  • Tomas Plekanec take off that fucking turtleneck
  • If racing toward the puck with Zdeno Chara just slowly back up and kindly say “here you you go big fella, you can have it”

Leave a Comment

Filed under The Bench Boss

Tagged as , , , ,

by | April 12, 2011

Philadelphia vs Buffalo: Keys to the Matchup

Philadelphia:

  • Use the anger and hostility of Philadelphia sports fans as motivation because they will be right pissed if you lose
  • Flyers broadcasters should stop saying Claude Giroux has “silky smooth hands” as it is starting to make some of the other guys on the team a little uncomfortable
  • For the love of god someone tell Scott Hartnell that the long, red, rat-nested look is out
  • Unlike last year when the Flyers were underdogs in the playoffs, they are now the favorites so they should take advantage of the oppurtunity to walk around with a smug sense of entitlement

Buffalo:

  • After missing the playoffs last year the Sabres are back in. This might not sound exciting for a lot of other cities but for Buffalo its huge
  • Jhonas Enroth played well in relief of the injured Ryan Miller but now its time to get back to what he does best: sitting far away from everyone else and looking lonely wearing a baseball cap
  • A hat-trick never hurt anyone before…I’m looking at you Drew Stafford
  • Name a new team captain. Without one they will be lost, disoriented and unsure of how to function

Leave a Comment

Filed under The Bench Boss

Tagged as , , ,

by | April 12, 2011

Washington vs New York: Keys to the Matchup

Washington:

  • Bruce Boudreau should really tone down his language when the players’ mommies are around
  • Get the choking out of their systems by choking someone else
  • Rookie goalie Michael Neuvirth lacks any playoff experience. Put his mind to ease by telling him he can’t do any worse than Caps goalies in previous years
  • Time for Alexander Ovechkin to amp his game up and hit everything in sight; even his own teammates

New York:

  • Its been a few years so it probably wouldn’t be that bad if Sean Avery made a disparaging remark about a Washington players girlfriend
  • For the Rangers to win Henrik Lundqvist will have to stand on his head. Not literally though. That would just be silly
  • Ryan Callahan might be out with a broken leg but as long as his shin-pads can still play and block a million shots then its really not that big of a loss
  • On the way to Washington “forget” to bring John Tortorella

Leave a Comment

Filed under The Bench Boss

Tagged as , , ,

by | April 11, 2011

Anaheim vs Nashville: Keys to the Matchup

Anaheim:

  • When in Nashville players should remember that they are there to play hockey and not do…whatever weird things people in Nashville do
  • Pekka Rinne is a very large goaltender so just do whats smart and aim for his nuts
  • The line of Getzlaf, Perry and Ryan need to keep doing what they do best. Which is being much younger and hipper than the Selanne, Koivu and Blake line
  • Randy Carlyle is a stanley cup winning coach, but only one man can truly lead the Ducks. Time to call on Gordon Bombay

Nashville:

  • If Mike Fisher sees his wife Carrie Underwood talking to Teemu Selanne he shouldn’t get mad. He is probably just friends with her dad
  • Shea Weber shot the puck through the net at the Vancouver Olympics. The next step is to shoot it through a human body. That would be so cool man
  • Don’t remind Barry Trotz that he is the only head coach in the history of the Nashville Predators
  • Carrie Underwood is hot

 

2 Comments

Filed under The Bench Boss

Tagged as , , ,

by | April 11, 2011

Detroit vs Phoenix: Keys to the Matchup

Detroit:

  • Dominate the matchup between Detroit’s hard-working, red-neck fans vs. Phoenix’s rich, white businessmen fans
  • If Jimmy Howard is going to outplay Ilya Bryzgalov then he’ll probably need to make his equipment bigger and the net smaller
  • Holmstrom, Draper, Lidstrom, Rafalski, Bertuzzi and Modano need to…Wait, those guys seriously still play?
  • Detroit had the least fighting majors of any team in the league. Surprise the Coyotes by starting a line brawl off the opening faceoff in game 1

Phoenix:

  • Despite not having any real star players, Phoenix boasts a lineup full of guys who you’ve never heard of but actually aren’t that shitty
  • Try to get Wings captain Nik Lidstrom off his game by rubbing it in that the Coyotes once scored a goal when he was on the ice
  • Detroit has a lot of old players. Target the knees which tend to be a vulnerable area for aging adult males
  • Watch out for Todd Bertuzzi. I think he’s killed a man before

Leave a Comment

Filed under The Bench Boss

Tagged as , ,

by | April 11, 2011

San Jose vs Los Angeles: Keys to the Matchup

San Jose:

  • Bring new meaning to the “Shark Tank” by keeping an actual tank of sharks in the Kings dressing room
  • Prove once and for all that San Jose fans know much more about hockey than Los Angeles fans
  • Replace Joe Thornton’s ‘surfer dude’ personality with Charlie Sheen’s ‘duh, winning’ personality
  • Just because Kings star Anze Kopitar is out with a broken ankle doesn’t mean someone shouldn’t try to break his other one.

Los Angeles:

  • Tell Ryan Smyth to stand in front of the net and try to deflect shots in with his face; like he usually does
  • Kobe Bryant plays in the same arena. Teach him how to skate
  • Despite their many years in the league the Kings haven’t had much playoff success. Don’t worry about trying to change that because no one will care in a few days when the Lakers playoffs start
  • So Kopitar has a broken ankle, he can still be taped to Drew Doughty to form a pretty solid player and a half

1 Comment

Filed under The Bench Boss

Tagged as , , ,

by | April 11, 2011

Vancouver vs Chicago: Keys to the Matchup

Vancouver:

  • Limit Roberto Luongo’s crying in post-game interviews because that probably means you won
  • Make sure that the Sedin’s are the only ones that are ever allowed to have the puck
  • Chicago limped into the playoffs so try and get them to limp out as well
  • Take advantage of home-ice advantage by using it to their advantage

Chicago:

  • Maybe no one will notice if Dustin Byfuglien plays
  • Alex Burrows is annoying. Try and kill him
  • Play the same song after every goal you score. Opposing teams hate that
  • Patrick Kane is an exceptionally skilled player. He is also exceptional at being a cocky dickface

Leave a Comment

Filed under The Bench Boss

Tagged as , , ,

by | April 7, 2011

DKMZ Breaking News: Justin Bieber Turns Down Contract Offer From the Edmonton Oilers

The celebrity gossip website DKMZ has reported that the Edmonton Oilers offered Canadian pop star Justin Bieber a contract that would see him suit up for the club for their final two games this season. The megastar reportedly rejected the offer saying that he had “better things to do.”  Oilers general manager Steve Tambellini said that he offered the contract mainly because of the fact that Bieber is Canadian and is probably a pretty good hockey player. “I think he could have come in and been and a pretty good player for us. I mean, we are already playing with what is more or less an AHL lineup so it couldn’t really hurt having him in there, plus it would put a lot of butts in the seats. Continue reading →

Leave a Comment

Filed under The Bench Boss

Tagged as , , ,